From the Inside Out...

Movin' On UP!!

2011-11-14T19:25:00.004-07:00

going to a new blog :) ...... http://revivedandrenewed.blogspot.com/

Life in General

2011-08-13T22:45:00.002-06:00

I am really excited about where I am right now so I thought I would so a bit of updating!!!

- I got a full time position with Oracle :) and it came with a good raise :)

-I finish school in October and I will be a College Graduate!!

- My folks are coming to CO in 5 days and I am going to have a party!!!

:) so yeah good week!!

Is this really Happening????

2011-07-21T17:43:00.002-06:00

SO I have wanted to be a college graduate since I graduated High School!! It has been a long journey and in the past stuff has always come up to stop me (typically money). In 2008 I decided that if I wanted to live in the style I wanted to live, (ie travel when I want, visit friends all over the world, have a "cute" place to call home) that I needed to get off my butt and go back to school. The getting started was the easy part! I chose Networking Administration because then I would be working with people still; and that is what I am good at... people! I choose computers because I figured it was a field that would be around for awhile!! I started taking 2 classes while I was working 2 jobs and plugged along. Then life got hard. I don't want to get into details but it wasn't fun!! At the halfway mark of school I wanted to give up - then I just wanted to get done. And the last semester was brutal. I had been told by the financial department that my schooling would cost me nothing then that Changed to $1000 then to $2000 and I was having some issues with my grades, and I thought I was out. I didn't think anything would get me back in. However God used my perseverance to get me back in and a friend provided the $700 it ended up being and the accountability that it would take to keep up!! Now I feel confident that I will graduate!!

Lily's 4th Bday :)

2011-07-19T23:16:00.002-06:00

I have the great privilege of living with 2 wonderful girls! Buffy and Lexie. There are parts of life that would be unbearable without them. Buffy has 2 young girls Saraphim (age 7) and Lily (age 4) it is such a joy to be part of their growing up!!! I have a feeling this might possibly be as close to having kids that I will ever get :) I love the fun times (and during the bad times I go to my room in the basement;)

Kracker, Kenny, and Billy 7-6-11

2011-07-09T19:28:00.004-06:00

We have had a LOT of rain lately. And it brings back some childhood memories. (funny I know ;) I have always loved the rain. When it started raining I would grab my umbrella and go sit on the front porch and listen to the rain. The world seemed ok then. There was nothing to worry about no one to please it was just me and the rain. I couldn't disappoint the rain, and it couldn't disappoint me. it was just a simple soothing sound. Sam got tickets to Kenny Chesney's tour that came through Denver this year and it was at Red Rocks Amphitheater and I have heard the concerts there are amazing....well it rained. And for hours I got to soak in the rain, dance and listen to music. It was a small slice of heaven.

A Touch of Glass

2011-05-19T08:18:00.003-06:00

I got to blow glass!!! It is something I have wanted to do for a long time on my "bucket list" as they say. A few years ago I went to a glass blowing shop and watched them for over an hour - it was amazing!!! And I was hooked :) So I looked into classes - over $400!!! So crazy... and my dream faded. I figured I would wait until I was rich and famous and try again (ok so I don't really want to be famous ;). Then my niece started taking classes and I was a twinge jealous!!! lol so after looking through tons of pics of my niece doing amazing work, I decided to search again. And low and behold I found a place that does hour long classes for $50. I figure I could handle that!!! The problem was they do the classes on Sat, AND I work on Saturdays...... So I emailed and pleaded with the owner (or just asked to see if it was an option) to do another day; after a few emails we set a date for the class (on a Tues)!! I was SOOO excited. The shop was in a strip mall (very small strip mall) looking building, but as I stepped inside it definitely had a warehouse feel. Nothing was displayed properly but they had shelves of beautiful glass pieces. Horace (yes love the name!!) ; a shortish man with a quick smile and glasses came to greet me. I had wanted to make the Pint Glass - even though I can no longer have beer; so he asked me colors and walked me through their pieces to point out a color. I picked up, of course, a deep red-ish orange... Horace did a quick (about 20 mins) sample so I could see the steps. And he let me do a few things. And then it was my turn, I was so excited (and a bit nervous) if you want the steps let me know otherwise I am sure you would get bored ;) A couple things the pipe and glass together were really heavy!!! and I am not very consistent with my rolls lol the glass was flopping (yes flopping) everywhere. I also wish I could capture the color of the glass as it comes out of the first oven that might be my Second favorite color (or maybe 3rd it is close to my current second :). I was bummed when I got there I found out I didn't have the disk in my camera and my phone was dead so I have NO pictures :( but I will put one up of the finished product as soon as it is in my possession!!!

Flatmates!!

2011-05-11T20:49:00.000-06:00

It is amazing the friendships that adversity creates. I am so blessed by my flatmates this year. They have emotionally saved me a couple times... they are amazing!!! Here is our dance party to wrap up one of our days...

It is so great because spontaneously things happen that are so fun around here :) And they care about me (and what is going on in my life) absolutely fabulous!!

Easter - The good and the bad

2011-05-03T20:22:00.002-06:00

This Easter was was very joyful. I love hanging out with my family. My Papa had lost his job a month before, and my sisters pup had undergone surgery a few weeks before, and wasn't healing well. But we got to enjoy each other's company. We played a little catch phrase, ate some really good food and opened baskets.

Timeless Friends

2011-04-15T09:36:00.005-06:00

I am obviously getting older (don't laugh you are too!!), but as I grow I continually learn the value of true friendship. One of those friends is Danielle (I guess her husband Nate is pretty cool too ;). There is nothing like having friends you can depend on for over 10 years. It is quite amazing. So I took a trip out to visit over the weekend to hang with them and their beautiful girl Hannah Pics below....

The Boy....

2011-04-09T08:31:00.002-06:00

Ok work is slow today so I thought I would blog a little more (well that and Jo's comment that said I was leaving her hanging ;) So Jeff, 33 about 5'9". He is a bit chunky but it makes him comfy to snuggle with in front of the TV. We have a ton of fun together. The biggest thing is he LOVES sports, almost all of them!!! So we schedule our time together around my job and his sports (he is currently unemployed but looking). The other night we hung out with his two closest friends @ OC's (where I can only order salad) and watched: the Rockies, Avalanche, AND Nuggets games. I have convinced him we need to go to a Rapids game since I love Soccer!! The other big thing is he thinks I hung the moon! Sometimes it is a bit much but kinda fun. He brought me 18 white roses to the first date, and everytime we hang out or talk, he is amazed that I am with him. He used to always be scared I was going to leave but we talked and he has calmed down about it. But he is pretty gone on me which can be really cute!! He makes me smile and I feel happy with him. He has 2 brothers and he is in the middle. He gets along great with his stepdad but his mom is kinda weird! She ignored me the whole night which makes me feel awkward around her but what can you do?!?!?! Right now I am just enjoying be with him... I am not planning anything future and I don't love him at the moment. Well you know the want to be with him forever type love ;)

Do We Really Need a Catch Up???

2011-04-02T12:44:00.003-06:00

I know I haven't written in awhile and honestly it is because I didn't want to. Sometimes writing this is like reliving a bad dream and Jan and Feb both months I don't want to re-live even just in pouring out my soul. So - to quickly sum up: January - Moved, slow start to my class, got a blood test done that suggested I had Hypoglycemia, really connected with one of my good friends becoming close, totally changed my eating habits (yet again), my room was a complete mess, figured out I had a sensitivity to gluten and totally changed my eating habits again, had someone that used to be my friend chew me out for choices I was making, call me a horrible person and then inform me that we were no longer friends (no loss for me!!) but intricately involved in the friendship that I was becoming close in causing friction there. February - Lost my job, started unemployment, didn't lose my job, stopped unemployment, applied for a couple different positions got a couple different start dates and interviews. With not knowing what kind of money was coming in I stopped attending church and counseling which was brutal. Still doing poorly in class, still not moved in and still don't know how to eat. Had issues with the friendship that I thought was growing, Working off and on for my old job, making plans and canceling them. Flunked my class, still don't know how to eat or when my job will start March things started looking up... got a start date (and started 2 weeks later), awesome trip downtown with Samantha, and started going to church and counseling again (thanks to my Tax return coming in) Had a heart to heart with the friend that things were up and down with and started a new class that I am NOT flunking. So here we are at the beginning of April and I am content. I did an online dating site, and found a really sweet guy that is head over heels for me. I am working solo at my new job and actually doing well, and I have made it halfway through my new class. I am excited and hopeful and really hope this lasts for a while. Which brings us to

New Year New Hope

2011-01-27T09:24:00.002-07:00

I know it has been awhile since I have written but life has been crazy the good kind of crazy. I am finally starting to get settled in my my new home. It is still a mess which is really hard on me - I can't wait to get it organized. The first 3 weeks of January were amazing and full of hope. the losing weight thing isn't going great but I am constantly adjusting, and trying new things. I am going to try gluten free - which is HUGE for me and very not tempting lol. But maybe my stomach won't be as messed up. My rent essentially went up 30 bucks a month simply because I now have to pay for parking. My flatemates weren't the most helpful in the situation a good grounding in reality for me. And shortly after I learned my playing so much is causing me to fail one of my classes at school and I had a girl freak out on me cause i am hanging out with her ex and now he seems to have pulled away. So Dec and Jan were amazing but looks like I am going into Feb in my same routine and I have somehow already expected too much of the year. Oh well I have lived through worse than this and now I have to keep plowing!!! The funny thing is the church I am currently going to is preaching on community and I am pissed at God for throughing the community deal at me from every direction when I can't make it happen through all the different ways I try!!! I am once again done - course that means nothing!!! But I am trying really hard on not freaking out as this is only one back week and I am sure life will bounce back eventually.

A Big Step

2010-12-20T10:18:00.003-07:00

I chose not to care and I didn't :) it was a nice feeling

Is Learning not to Love Like Learning not to Hate?

2010-12-13T21:03:00.003-07:00

So I have this horrible habit of "falling" for guys that don't like me back. I have dealt with it in various ways - I used to keep hanging out with them hoping they would eventually "fall" for me - this has NEVER happened!!! I typically end up more hurt in the end - do you need a list for me to convince you??? Well about 4 months ago I started changing a lot of things about my life. And this is something I need to do better. My goal and hope is to continue to be friends with this guy - without falling harder for him. Ahhhh the ultimate boundary game. I am quite freaked. I have told the guy - I have always loved being super duper open with people; it also frees me to pull way away if need be - he understands why then.

So great plan right??? The execution however isn't turning out so easy! Duh :) Every time I have seen him I have been an emotional wreak (which is getting old) from reasons other than him. And every time I get all prepared he isn't at church!! I also believe the longer it takes the harder it gets.

So I was thinking about this today..... and I am wondering if getting over someone you "love" (I don't love him in the full sense but you know what I mean) is kind of like getting over someone that you hate (but in both cases either need to (getting over hate) or want to (getting over someone you like) be in relationship with still (and by relationship I mean friendship - don't get confused ;) So I am thinking lots of prayer (of course) and then lots of "acting" like it doesn't bother me. The whole "Fake it til you Make it" thing - please pray for me!!

My New Drug...

2010-12-07T10:16:00.002-07:00

Metformin is used alone or with other medications, including insulin, to treat type 2 diabetes (condition in which the body does not use insulin normally and, therefore, cannot control the amount of sugar in the blood). Metformin helps to control the amount of glucose (sugar) in your blood. It decreases the amount of glucose you absorb from your food and the amount of glucose made by your liver. Metformin also increases your body's response to insulin, a natural substance that controls the amount of glucose in the blood. Metformin is not used to treat type 1 diabetes (condition in which the body does not produce insulin and therefore cannot control the amount of sugar in the blood) So this is the discription of my newest drug. It is quite weird I might add. I have just started my second week (quite the complicated drug to start FYI) and I think I noticed last week if I have too much carbs/sugar I make myself - maybe that is how it helps me lose weight ;) this is quite the journey!!

Opposites Attract!!

2010-12-02T10:09:00.002-07:00

But not in the way you are thinking!! So last year I decided to get in shape. I started eating healthier and exercising - all that I got was major pain!! and no weight loss. It was frustrating to say the least - however this year I started over and IT WORKED!!!!! It was so exciting, so this whole year I have been eating fairly healthy and taking care of myself. Then I emotionally lost it and have been fighting my way back for about 3 months. well the past few weeks have been really great - had an awesome Thanksgiving - making new friends - and found a place to live (not g'mas!!!) however I knew that the high I was feeling was just circumstantial and would eventually disappear. And here it is!! I have not "crashed" thankfully but medically this has been a horrible week. 2 Dentist appointments revealed like 10 cavities (it's only been like a year since I last went in) and it is going to be $540 to fix :/ I had my chiro this week and a med refill for my "normal" doc. And all this insurance crap is going on so I now have to go to 2 doctors; and get meds from 2 pharmacies - sheesh!!! And the biggest deal that has come out of this week is I most likely have PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. At first I really only thought that it was going to be a drag if I wanted kids (which I don't) but the more I read online (like here) I am convinced that I have it I have like 7 of the 10 common symptoms and 2 others I don't know cause I never tried to have kids (infertility) or an ultrasound (cycsts on my ovaries). So my doc put me on meds. So I am on 5 meds a day (yippee) - but it explains a lot of the different things going on with my body!! So the treatment is just treat the symptoms - ok I guess. So I need to start taking care of different this which of course is going to cost more money etc!!! the biggest let down is I feel like I am taking care of my body more than I ever have - and yet I am falling apart UGH!!!

A Pure Medical Mess

2010-11-29T12:57:00.004-07:00

I just got back from my 2nd of 4 doctor appointments in a week. And in this year of getting in shape and taking care of myself I am learning how hard that is!!! I thought that my losing weight was extremely harder than it should have been. When I brought it up to my doctor she mentioned something that she has mentioned in the past that I might have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Which seems more like the first step on the way to more serious things but in an of it's self is just more annoying!!! And another medication to take. So at the age of 35 (yes that is my age but don't tell anyone!!) I am on 5 daily medications - Ventolin (for my asthma - which I am going to check about changing) - Prozac (hopefully only temporarily for depression) - Trazadone (because the Prozac gives me insomnia) - Metformin (for the PCOS) - Zovia (BC for my "cycle") and she wonders why I laughed when she asked me if I wanted something for my high blood pressure!! I feel like I am playing how many drugs can I take. Sheesh!! Then add on the fact that my skeleton refuses to stay where it is so I have: - neck - knee - lower back - between shoulder blades that all have to be adjusted about once a month!! Plus I have been eating protein and Green's First twice a day which is making my medical issues very frustrating. I think one of the most frustrating parts of this is that everything is borderline. The story of my life. Not bad enough that I would have noticed years ago and taken care of it but it's still there! I was beginning to hope that with the surgery in March and losing 65 lbs some of my medical "messes" might be going away. However I seem to have more than ever!! Just another fun journey I guess!! ps - I also have about 4 or 5 cavities I have to take care of - oh joy!!

All My Ex's

2010-11-15T19:09:00.003-07:00

Do NOT live in Texas however I have talked to them all in the past week. And will most likely see the last "fling" tomorrow night!!! The "poet soul" guy from New Mexico called after talking a 3 month break and is just as crazy as usual. He ended the call by saying he was going to call me back in a few minutes and it has been 5 days lol. Of course Jason and I still talk but it is hard to tell when is a good time to talk and when we should text!!! idk Paul has gotten a bit clingy lately and I am supposed to see Ryan tomorrow night! Whoosh it is pretty crazy all around. But by far the crazies is the man I wasted years in love with that lives in Cali and is going to be in Colorado this week and said we should get together. WHAT!?!?!?! Course I am kind of excited to see him as the new me but nervous about what my heart is going to feel (never a dull moment in my life!!!)

WARNING: Pure Raw Emotion Ahead

2010-11-09T00:48:00.002-07:00

All I have to say is WTF!!! No really God what is the problem with letting me have a little fucking hope??? Why the HELL do I have to always been taken down and left with nothing. I have begged and pleaded for years and it has gotten me nowhere. I can't do this anymore - which pretty much means you will probably take more crap away and I will be brought further down!! I hate you I hate you I hate you!!! Why can't I have just a little bit of happiness????How the hell am I supposed to make it through this!?!?!?!?! What the fuck are you trying to teach me cause I don't get it I can't understand. How much more hell does my heart need to go through???? What more are you going to take from me??? I feel like everything I have learned about you is opposite from what I am going through. The bible says we are made for community yet every time I try you rip it from me. Every time I make good healthy friendships you remove them from my life. Do you want me to be alone forever am I supposed to have NO ONE in my life - what more do you want from me? what more can I sacrifice for you, The thing I hate most of all is I can't deny that you are real and true - which means I am stuck in this hell!! I know that turning away from you would only mean more pain and heartache but I feel like staying with you will continue me down this road of heartache!!! Where is that fucking abundant life and how the hell do I get to it?? 3 fucking months of this hell - what the fuck is my next step is everything I have been working towards wrong I don't know what else to do - I don't know where else to turn I can't with draw from anything else. I feel like for every good thing that happens I have to suffer at least one bad thing. I can't be happy very long because then I have to pay by some other price. Fucking 2 hours ago I was happy why do you have to continue taking from me. What more do you want and is there something I can possibly give up that will save me from more heartache?? Is there some confessed sin in my life that I am not turning over to you. Is there some step that that I am taking away from you - is there a way that I am turning way from you??? Please God speak to me and help me get what the fuck you are trying to tell me - God please let me know I am lost and fucking alone and I hurt and I am tired and I don't get how I can keep making these "good" steps that just turn into more heartache. I hate you God I hate what you have turned my life into - and I am sure that somehow this is all fucking my fault and there is something that I can do to get back on the right track but I can't see what the fuck it is and how the hell to get there!!! What the fuck!! If you could please just answer me something bring me some kind of fucking comfort - let me feel your presence. I need to KNOW that you are real. I am fucking testing you and calling you out NOW lord!!! What the hell am I doing here and how the fuck to I get out of here!!!

Will the Real Me Please Stand Up!

2010-11-07T12:53:00.008-07:00

So I have been trying to explain to people what I am thinking and feeling. The bad part is I don't really know myself - this doesn't help at all. and so I really need to stop explaining it to others (except those that are close enough to really have input on it. In Boundaries (the book I am reading) it has a section on me and not me. It says I am in charge of all of my : feelings, opinions, actions, decisions, and..... which means I am NOT responsible for these for other people. I think this is probably one of my biggest lack of boundaries. I try to take on guilt (usually self imposed) guilt for other peoples feelings. Which I get and I am trying to set some boundaries. I don't know yet if I know what those look like but I am working on it. Which brings me to my next point.

I don't know what much of my feelings are; especially what I feel about different things. One thing I have been doing is making a list! I started with this list. That has a lot of serious and explained stuff but I have a simpler one. And this will probably be going for awhile; because in this state I am changing (or adding) daily...

- I think thumb rings are sexy

- I like watching movies and TV

- I like to cuddle - I miss having people around to hug

- I love sleep (but don't like naps in the middle of the day)

- I like Road Trips

- I like scuba diving

- I like steak

- I like melted cheese on almost anything

- I like driving fast with the music loud

- I like hard rock (country's not doing it for me anymore)

- I like 4 wheeling

- I like the stars

- I like shopping (who'da thunk!!)

- I don't want to be a runner (but want to be an exerciser)

- I don't like big huge corporate america

An Irrational, Rational Fear...

2010-11-02T15:26:00.004-06:00

So the church that TNL meets at has a balcony. This really doesn't mean anything except that the ceiling in the back of the church (where I reside) is lower than near the stage. It has a definite break where all of the sudden the ceiling gets really high!! Yes I am stating the obvious - however the un-obvious (and quite unusual) part is that I can't go past the balcony. not physically of course but emotionally. I am stuck in the low ceiling part. I sit in the very back row - and no one notices me. Honestly I like it. Well I was asking someone that I know through the church some advice on getting to running the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving. He gave me some great advice and then suggested that he bring some samples to TNL for me meaning I have to go find him and get them from him. I am now freaked out to go to TNL. I know it's stupid and crazy and I don't want to talk to people. I purposely changed churches hoping to make community happen, now I am beginning to wonder if I changed churches just to hide. I keep telling people that I need to figure out who I am before I can make more friends - now I wonder if that is just me hiding?!?!?! I am tired and confused and I want to be through this already!! I also had decided to seek out counseling and so I wrote to the church and they called me with some people I could go to. And now I just have to talk to them and get figured out who I want to meet with. Yeah meet with them hmmmm.... Maybe I can make it past the balcony next week....

God wants Abundant Life for me

2010-10-19T21:26:00.003-06:00

Knowing it in my head has kept me from doing something completely insane - not believing it in my heart keeps me walking the line...

Finding me: Work Edition

2010-10-14T20:38:00.003-06:00

What the heck was I thinking!?!?!?! I am now 8 months from graduation. Yep me a college graduate!! I never really believed that I would finish college. I wanted it so bad and have been working for it for over 2 years and it's here. And now I am freaking out!!! Is this what I want to do am I even going to enjoy this career that I am going to be locked into because I have student loans to pay off????

So I went to this job club thing at school - and they started talking about trying to find a job and how hard it is and it really freaked me out. So I know some things about what I don't want in a job. I don't want big corporate America job. I don't want heels and suits!! I mostly don't want to have to fight people for the top position. I want to know lots about computers and be able to help out my friends with their computers. I want to teach people how to fix things themselves. I want a small company but not where I am the only techie!! I want help and team. I am going to have to work my ASS off this next year.

I am convinced that ParTech would be a good place for me to start. Mostly because I can go there with what I know now. But it is a place I can work up! My goal is to get into Tier 3 as soon as I can because that is what I want to do - the software stuff I think is easy and I can do it. I know I will be good at the entry level stuff - but I NEED to work up the latter. So the goal - finish school - CCNA then keep learning and keep asking what I need to do to move!! That is my hope and my goal and God I think you will bless it but I will be listening for your whisper....

Which Giant!?!?!

2010-10-13T10:56:00.002-06:00

I heard a talk last night about David and Goliath like I had never heard before. He talked about being in the bunker with the Israelites (dusting water bottles and sharpening spears) afraid of the giant that comes down everyday; and he talked about two things the giant might be (for the church, but where I am at I found it ironic that he picked these two things). The first he suggested was - who they used to be. This is huge on my heart these days. For most of last year and the beginning of this year I lamented the loss of who I was. There was a song out that the main words were "I want my life back" and I longed to be the person I was at camp. For a couple weeks or months I wanted to go back and be that person. I felt like I was so close to God then I could make it through anything and that I wasn't able to make it through this because I had lost some of that faith. But one day I woke up, and looking at pictures from then I realized, I don't want to be that person. Who I was got walked on a lot and I gave too much of myself to others; almost to a fault. And I still ended up friendless a lot. So it made me look at who I want to be. Which brings me to the second giant he mentioned - who they could become. For me I thought it more appropriate to think of who I want to become. Which is kind of funny because I don't really know who that is right now. Which is maybe why it is such a giant!! So I sit here hunkered down in the bunker unsure of my next move - every moment. And I feel stuck. I don't have peace about much but all I can do is wake up every morning and try to make it through the day - and pray with all that is in me that I don't mess this up more!

Finding Me: Along With Other People

2010-10-11T08:47:00.005-06:00

So I posted on FB one day that I didn't know who I was and a few responded that they didn't either. not helpful but I guess I am not too surprised!! But I am tired and frustrated by it!! One lady that has come back from China and this is what she has written:

One of the lies of the enemy is that to be obedient to what God calls us to, we will end up living in one of the worst places we can imagine, doing work that we find distasteful or boring, basically trying to get by being someone we are not. We fear that whatever we most don’t want to do, that is what God will ask us to do. The truth is, following Jesus is hard—it is the way of the cross. And He does want me to be someone I am not—someone holy and sanctified and loving and good. And He died and rose again so that I could trust Him to make me all those things. But He doesn’t want to change the things that make me Rebecca [or Freedom], doesn’t expect me to give up the interests and abilities and talents that He Himself gave me before I ever drew a breath. He wants me to lay them at His feet, offering them up as a beautiful sacrifice, and trusting that He will use them and me for His good purposes. So whether I eat or drink, or make things for others to eat or drink, or learn a minority language or teach English, or whatever I do, I will do all to the glory of God.

Posted by Rebecca (click to see post). And this is something that I have been taught since, forever and I want so bad to believe it. However that first paragraph I feel like is all that I have found following Christ and every dream I have had since the beginning of time has been put aside "for him". Now most of the time I can believe that God's plan for my life was a better option; however there are so many times (especially recently) that my deceitful heart reminds me I have never gotten my dreams. I always (since I was way young) wanted to be a wife and a mother. I get neither. And in part of finding myself I have learned I no longer want to be a mother, so maybe someday the dream of being a wife will go away - but until then I wait around and try to figure out how to make something that I have no control over happen. Everyone tells you to sit and wait on God that he want's to give you the desires of your heart. But after 30 years ya kinda give up hope and wonder what you did wrong :( So this doesn't help me find out who I am but that what I am can glorify God when I do (and even beforehand) So I am still lost and looking for me but trying to love (and glorify) God through it!!

Finding Me: The Clothes

2010-10-10T21:28:00.003-06:00

I went shopping a bit today - This is going to be an expensive me I think - I don't know what fashion to go with but on one shirt and a pair of jeans today - $50!!! Whoosh :) I love the top!! Not too sure what shoes to wear. I went ahead and got in between jeans - now I have two pair that actually look good and two that I can just wear I guess to work. I think I am good for a bit! I hope so. I really like TJ Maxx a bit better than Ross but it is a little more expensive. Maybe I should start watching What Not to Wear. I just don't know what style I want to go with!!

The Well Balanced Life!

2010-10-08T12:41:00.002-06:00

Is it weird that I want to make an excel spreadsheet to make sure I am spending enough time in all of the areas that I need to??? Does anyone else start feeling overwhelmed when they start thinking about all the different areas they need to work on in their life??? How do you prioritize them and make sure that you get enough time in each area - especially when you are a freaking extrovert that want to hang out with people more than take care of your self. Like last night REALLY should have just gone home and gone to bed - then I would have not gotten into some of the awkward conversations that I did and would have stayed out of some of the commitments that most likely won't happen anyway lol it is just weird and awkward and I think I am just feeling overwhelmed cause I have a headache and need to go to the chiro and can't get there for 3 days :(

Why Can't I Shut Up??

2010-10-07T08:37:00.003-06:00

The value of the unsaid - I think this is a lesson that I am going to be learning a lot over the next few months, years, rest of my life type thing. I talk (or write) way too much. I always feel like I have to explain every detail and the reason behind everything I do. I think women are thankful but guys are annoyed by this habit of mine. So my goal is to break it. Nothing profound just try not to explain everything to everybody - even if they ask!!! Boundaries boundaries boundaries!!!! This is my goal.

Surrendered (LIVE @ Crooked Creek Ranch)

2010-10-06T20:54:00.000-06:00

Some worlds shatter with one quick stroke some shatter slowly over time but God is always there to hold the pieces

Word for Word

2010-10-06T16:35:00.002-06:00

Ok there are sometimes that other bloggers hit the nail on the head for my life and it blows my mind. No I don't feel better that other people have the same problems - in fact this never helps me feel better and I never understood why it would. But I love when people can "get it" and ProdigalJohn does!! go HERE to see what I am struggling with wanting - I want to be in his shoes where the "at least" faith isn't enough. Right now I am ok with the "at least" faith. (you have to read to understand!

Finding Me: The Difference Between Boundaries and Lying...

2010-10-04T14:26:00.003-06:00

So one thing I am noticing is I don't have healthy boundaries - you ask me I tell you..... the TRUTH the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Not everyone needs to know the whole truth, in fact MOST people don't need to know (or want to know either) and you know even if they say they want to know - they don't. Most people are perfectly happy knowing very little about my life. However becoming an adult in the Christian Camping community has made me VERY open, a bit too open actually. And I am having a hard time closing off. I am working on it little by little, hurt by hurt. It is quite easy with the people at work (all guys) but people in my "small groups" aren't so easy to close off. I have also noticed that people I have been open with in the past aren't so easy to shut out - and so my new venture. A new church. That way I can be what ever form of me I end up. As I am quite fluid right now I like that I can be around people that don't know me. I also am looking for acquaintances NOT friends. I think I need to make that clear in my head (and heart) I don't need more friends I need more people around to do stuff with - if it turns into something more so be it but I hope not. And I am thinking I need to buy (and read) the boundaries book. My biggest thing is that if I am feeling like crap and someone asks me how I am I want to say feeling like crap when in reality they want me to say I am great and to move on with life. I am praying that I have the strength to do that. It didn't work so well over the weekend, the problem is people really do care, but they don't have the time to invest what it would take to change the problem. So the care and thoughtfulness is nice but means nothing without something changing. I don't know how to justify in my heart the fact that people care but life won't change because they care. So I remain with the line between lying and healthy boundaries is a little blurry for me :( and I hate that change is a process, cause that means it takes time UGH!!!! but I am hoping new church and new job will give me a clean platform to work on - here's hoping!!

Finding Me: A Beginning...

2010-10-02T13:33:00.002-06:00

It is a really scary thing to look in the mirror and not know who you are. And I figure if I am going to be making new friends I should find out who I am cause then maybe I will know who I want to hang out with. So I thought I would start with what I know.

Likes:

I like to exercise and eat healthy. It is true I like unhealthy food too but I prefer to put most of my money into healthy food. My hope is that eating healthy will help me to exercise even more. I would some day like to hike a 14ner just one - at this time I don't see it becoming a habit. My hope in exercising is to get rid of the physical pains that I have been dealing with for the past 7 or 8 years.
I like watching football. This is a new thing but I am really enjoying it - and I like being able to talk about it somewhat intellectually (not quite there yet but working on it!!) And it's pretty funny but I like going to the bars (well BWW) and watching where people actually care what is going on. This interferes somewhat with the eating healthy part but ya know!!
I like learning. This currently is taking form in going to school. And getting into a field where I have to constantly learn - Computers. So that is kinda cool. I don't think I will ever become a full computer nerd but a budding one is ok.
I like looking good. I think it comes from a lifetime of feeling like I couldn't look pretty. I never felt ugly per se - but I never really felt pretty. And now - I do. I like my body although it still needs some work and I really like how my face looks not as fat. So I spend time and money on looking good. So I kind of even like shopping - not full day shopping and only when I have money but I like it.
I like being around people. It can be serious discussion or just hanging out and having fun, but I like being around people. And this is where I am getting in trouble these days and I need lots of work, and why I need to find me. I don't want to get lost in people I want to be me (whoever that really is) when I am with people.

Don't likes:

I don't like being alone. but I think God has me there for a reason. and so I need to be alone.
I don't like living with my grandmother, but as I can't afford to live on my own I don't really have a choice.
I don't like being in debt - but I am working on that and it is going well I think.
I don't like being dependent - which sorta conflicts not being alone. and liking people and all sorts of crazy things that are happening in my life that I can't control or even figure out.

Well so far that is all I have. And I know your first thought is that I didn't mention God and that is because the way I see it is God is mixed up in all of this. I don't need to mention him separate because it is all him. He made me and he knows who I really am and he is trying to get me to see who I am which is killing me and I hate it. I hate crying myself to sleep at night and wake up just to cry in the morning. And I know how to avoid it but am starting to think that I shouldn't be avoiding it but the facing it and going through it is incredibly hard and confusing so sometimes I avoid it.

FREAK OUT!!!

2010-10-01T14:30:00.004-06:00

Ok so I need to get job in my "new" field - which would be Networking Administration. I have been going to school since March of 08 for this. I was hoping to get into a better field and basically I gave up on the hope I would ever meet someone to marry and had to start figuring how to get the life I wanted by myself. I didn't quite know that it would take me 3 years to finish!! So here I am 8 months from graduation, and they are telling me I need a job now - WHAT!?!?!?! I found that out in July. And I got my resume together with the help of a career counselor at school and have pretty much sat on it. In the back of my mind thinking - new job, new job. Then my life slowly fell apart (see past posts) and here I am once again where the only thing I actually like about my life is my job and I have to leave it. I told God he has to do all the work for me in my life right now because I can't handle more than the day to day. And I got a call last week. They wanted me to come in for an interview on a job that would start in a week and a half - no FREAKING way could I leave my job that quick. But it started a conversation. And I went in today, not for an interview but a quiz that I have to take before I can get the interview. And I was talking with Tanji (love her name and she is pretty cool too!!) but as we were talking she said I could have a new job within a month or two and another big WHAT!?!?!?! popped into my head. Yes she was most confident that they would hire me and they hire every few weeks. And I am in freak out mode. Now I have realized that I just bought tickets and arranged rides for a weekend trip to Truckee for the end of October. So I won't go before then but my big question comes in with Christmas. And I haven't even told Joe and Mike (which I need to do soon as they are my references on my resume). But this is a really good time for me to make the job switch as I am getting quite sick of it (or rather the people I talk to). But I don't want to leave my "boys" and I don't know how ready I am to start a whole new job. And I am just freaking out on life in general!!! I am excited about something new!! A jump start to life (hopefully!) I am freaking out and need prayers for wisdom!

Musical Motion - Look Away

2010-10-01T09:01:00.002-06:00

To be honest I don't even remember what this song sounds like. But there was a line in it that totally stood out to me and I wrote it down and looked it up later - and WOW this song is so amazing. My taste in music has been changing - it is getting harder, which is suiting my mood just fine these days but also because the lyrics in the harder music are suiting my heart and emotions and the truth of my life....

Look Away Lyrics.... She's everything to everyone Wish I could have seen it come down But I heard incorrectly It seems everything she knows is now Five minutes ‘till closing that's not a lot of time when you're nervous And they say, daughter look away, don't be afraid When you want to turn back a million times And it might get colder, but wait ‘till it's over Darlin', you'll find your way But she said... I, will not look away this time Take all these cuts, and make them shine And all this pain I've held inside So I can find my way home again I will not look away this time Take all these cuts, and make them shine Don't want to be perfect, just alright... He's on his way to nowhere ‘Cause he heard it was safe there And safe is something valuable here He's spent half his life searching And the other half working Hard to find out if Jesus is real And they said, son look away, don't be afraid When you want to turn back a million times And it might get colder, but wait ‘till it's over Son, you will find your way But he said... Every time, every line, Every time you wanna say goodbye, sing...

The first verse is so powerful to me. I feel like I have been everything to everyone for so long. I am the one who is putting in the effort, the one available at all times, the one who gives all for nothing. And I have neglected me - for 35 years I have neglected me. And now I am trying to make healthy choices. There is a lot going on in my heart and mind on the subject and I am trying really hard NOT to make decisions but just take things as they come - I am not very good at this. But I am hoping that in the end (whenever that might actually happen) that God will make these cuts shine; because I don't want to be perfect just alright...

Placement

2010-09-28T08:21:00.006-06:00

In a moment of clarity this morning I realized I am right where I need to be - on my knees pleading for life in front of an all loving forgiving God. It sure as hell doesn't make it any easier - in fact I basically cried all morning :( and here is where the hard part comes in. I know what to do to make me "feel" better. I know who I can talk to and how to get around the situation. But I don't know how to "make" the situation better. Do I just need to wade through all this pain. Do I seek out more friends or allow myself "alone" time. Where do I take this. I know God has built us for community yet every time I seek out for it, I end up deeper into pain, and start feeling less like it will ever work. That along with the fact that I really feel like God wants me to be totally dependant on Him - makes me wonder if I just need to be without community (as I know it to be) for awhile. However last summer I tried that and ended up in one of the worst spots I have ever been. So I sit here floundering and keep coming back to "Be still and know..." I guess all I can do is wait on God. I begin to contemplate - maybe this extrovert has to become comfortable with being an introvert and this single girl with a longing of marriage wont get it until she can be single with God and I start to second guess my desire (as a new christian) to be as close to God as I can be - and think can't I please just settle??? but I know that won't satisfy anything either. and so I wonder... How many nights did Joseph cry himself to sleep after he had been put in prison for doing what was right??? - and that was YEARS after he thought his dreams were shattered. And Naomi when she was left without husband or sons??? - talk about a life being shattered. How long did it take Moses to rebuild his life after he murdered the Egyptian?? God give me wisdom of the next move!!! "I would have despaired unless i had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" Ps 27:13

When I am Weak....

2010-09-26T22:07:00.002-06:00

So there is no denying that I am at a hard time in life; and I am trying to do things different than I have in the past (the whole definition of insanity thing and all). So Scott's talk (sept 25-26) tonight had some points that hit home. It was about having wisdom AND strength. I think so many times we focus on one not the other (but that is for another time). One thing he said that hit home is we need to know our weaknesses and attack them.

And of course hearing it 7 times helps me to really hear what God is trying to pound into my head/heart. What kept coming back to me is this time I have to change- to be someone different than I used to be - this is God working on my weaknesses. Attacking them as it were. Don't get me wrong I don't really like it, but how many times do I want to go through it?!?!?!?! I mean if I had learn to trust God my first time through would I have had to go through it a second? (or 15th for that matter????)

My big question is what does it look like to handle it differently to BE different than how I have always handled it??? What do I do to make this change. Now let me stop you before you comment - please do not tell me to just trust God and he will tell me because honestly that is how I have handled this situation in the past. I am NOT saying God won't take care of me, but sometimes we need to put our faith/trust into action and I am asking God what that would look like in this situation!!! Good luck Freedom hope this is the last time through ;)

Do You Know Who I am????

2010-09-24T21:04:00.002-06:00

So I have been looking at some old pics of the best time of my life and I realized - I didn't like who I was. Well now there are some great things that I loved about being at camp, and some things I loved about who I was at camp. But there are somethings that I am so excited I don't have to be anymore. I am excited that I have this chance to change who I have been in the past and I am excited to find out who God is molding me into.

After the End of My Rope

2010-09-17T20:49:00.006-06:00

Right before I went off Facebook for a couple a weeks I posted as my status this...

You know that feeling when you are hanging on to the very end of your rope telling God you can't take anymore.... Then you heat Him whisper in your ear "hold on" then He cuts the rope and you are falling - yeah that's my day.

It was quite prophetic. My life went pretty crazy - and here I am still alive and without a rope. I feel like I am still in the falling stages right before I get caught in God's hands. I know without that I will be caught - but it is that breath catching, heart racing, moment(s) beforehand that I am stuck in at the moment. Today marks 4 weeks since I wrote that. It is amazing to me that it has only been that long. It feels like ages. I have had moments of agony where I am screaming (and cussing) at God; and moments of fun and enjoyment where I have hope of a better tomorrow.

But the bitter truth is I am stuck, I spend most days with tears in my eyes trying to figure out what the next moment/day/move will bring. I don't even know who I really am anymore, and it's brutal. I have always been one of those people who could tell you exactly why I did something - and now I don't even really know what I am doing.

I still catch my breath if I have no plans for the night and start to hyperventilate. It takes me a minute or two to stop myself from freaking out and remember that I don't need to busy every minute of everyday. In fact I need time to rest in God's arms and breath in his presence. It is hard. I am tired. I want it to end. But I have gone from deciding to "not move away" from God to "maybe I will follow" again. it isn't fun place to be and we are going to see where the journey goes. God be by me.

My Hearts Cry - 1 Kings 8:23-61 (in my words)

2010-09-16T08:18:00.014-06:00

"O LORD, God of Israel, there is no God like you in heaven above or on earth below—you who keep your covenant of love with your servant who continues wholeheartedly in your way. You have kept your promise to your servant; with your mouth you have promised and with your hand you have fulfilled it—as it is today. ... The heavens, even the highest heaven, cannot contain you; yet give attention to my prayer and my plea for mercy, O LORD my God. Hear my cry and the prayer that I am praying in your presence this day. May your eyes be open toward this child night and day, this person of whom you said, 'My Name shall be there,' so that you will hear the prayer your servant prays. Hear the supplication of your servant and of your people when they pray. Hear from heaven, your dwelling place, and when you hear, forgive. When a man wrongs his neighbor and is required to take an oath and he comes and swears the oath before you, then hear from heaven and act. Judge between your servants, condemning the guilty and bringing down on his own head what he has done. Declare the innocent not guilty, and so establish his innocence. When I have been defeated by an enemy because I have sinned against you, and when I turn back to you and confess your name, praying and making supplication to you, then hear from heaven and forgive my sin and bring me back to you, teach me the right way to live. When famine or plague comes to the land, or blight or mildew, locusts or grasshoppers, whatever disaster or disease may come, and when a prayer or plea is made by any of your people —each one aware of the afflictions of his own heart, and spreading out his hands, then hear from heaven, your dwelling place, forgive and act; deal with each man according to all he does, since you know his heart (for you alone know the hearts of all men), so that they will fear you all the time they live in the land you gave our fathers. ... When I go to war against my enemies, wherever you send me, and when I pray to the LORD, then hear from heaven my prayer and my plea, and uphold my cause. When I sin against you—for there is no one who does not sin—and you become angry with me and give me over to the enemy, who takes me captive to his own land, far away or near; and if I have a change of heart where I am held captive, and repent and plead with you and say, 'I have sinned, I have done wrong, I have acted wickedly'; and if I turn back to you with all my heart and soul, and pray to you, then from heaven, your dwelling place, hear my prayer and my plea, and uphold my cause. And forgive me, who has sinned against you; forgive all the offenses I have committed against you, and cause my conquerors to show me mercy; for I am your inheritance, whom you brought out of slavery. May your eyes be open to your servant's plea, and may you listen to me whenever I cry out to you." ..."Praise be to the LORD, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave. May the LORD my God be with me; may he never leave me nor forsake me. May he turn my heart to him, to walk in all his ways and to keep the commands, decrees and regulations he gave me. And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the LORD, be near to the LORD our God day and night, that he may uphold the cause of his servant according to each day's need, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the LORD is God and that there is no other. But my heart must be fully committed to the LORD my God, to live by his decrees and obey his commands, as at this time."

Inside Out

2010-09-15T08:35:00.005-06:00

So when I moved in to grandma's almost 4 years ago I just got a comforter cover and slipped her comforter in it. For 3 years it hasn't moved much just sat there happy as a peach. A couple weeks ago she had some friends stop by and spend the night at the house. The woman was unsatisfied with the comforter that she had and wanted mine (I don't get it either). So grandma asked me - as I am rushing out the door for work in the morning - if she could switch them. I don't care!!! I never see the comforter (yes of course she still had to ask and this isn't the point of the story so who cares!!) So I came home that night and my comforter looked, well, weird!! I thought grandma might have tried to be really nice and wash it and I don't think they are supposed to be washed. But after much discussion we found out that it was just inside out (long story don't ask) They told me they would fix it and of course promptly forgot (they are getting old). So for 2 weeks now my comforter has been inside out (not a big deal really)

So I was looking at it this morning and I was thinking about how comfortable I get with things out of place. My comforter looks retarded especially because the pillow shams are the right way and they conflict with the pattern. But I don't take the time to pull the comforter off the bed and change it. Which I really should do cause then I will probably wash the sheets too.... but I am not wanting to do the work. And it got me thinking. Right now God is pushing me to be this amazing christian that leans dependently on him, and I don't want to do the work. I am tired of hurting and pushing myself. I LONG for community and no matter where I look I can't find it. I keep thinking God wants me to himself. He wants me to be dependant on him and I just want to be happy and don't care if I have a good relationship with him. God is trying to get me to want his best and I am settling for good.

I guess I have a project for this weekend!

Still Moving Forward

2010-09-08T11:27:00.003-06:00

For a couple of days now I have wanted to blog an update for those paying attention. But not too sure what to say. My life has been a rollar coaster of emotions for the past few weeks with not much relief. The good news (I guess) is that I am crying less. In fact it's been two days - doesn't seem like long but it has been wonderful!! The intense feelings have ebbed and I am in a place of still trying to figure out what it means to lean into Christ. I know that God has me in a spot where I have no one to lean on BUT him it is so evident, even though I am trying to fight it at every turn. I have a hard time understanding how to blend the knowledge that we are created for community with knowing that God wants me as his and how to live the two out together. Being an extrovert (with a lot of time on my hands) is making life extremely uncomfortable these days. I am having a hard time just being, especially alone. Living where I can not be myself is a hard pill to swallow. My heart longs to change things but I am wondering if this is just a time to live where and how God has me...... I am lost and confused and wondering the best way to change what is happening. God I need your guidence and wisdom. My verse these days is.... "My sould finds rest in God alone: my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken" Ps 62:1-2 Thoughts on how to make it reality????

What did I ask for????

2010-09-02T08:29:00.004-06:00

So lately, the past year, I have been missing the faith and relationship that I used to have with God; however, I forgot what it took for me to have that relationship. I have been wanting to go back there and now I am wondering can I renig???? can I just take the middle of the road relationship with God and be happy for a change??? I don't know that I want to go through the pain and anguish that it will take to be in close relationship with God - basically I am scared!!! I really don't want to do this anymore!!! *big fat pout lip out*

How Big is our God????

2010-09-01T11:46:00.003-06:00

Big enough that I can cuss Him out!! And I am thankful, because that is real and raw and what I feel. I have screamed and fought and begged, and he hasn't budged one bit!! Praise the Lord that he gets me, he gets each of us. I stand in awe of the God that allows us to be real, he doesn't demand us to fake our way through anything. And I really can't be one of those people that just says "God will get you through" yes he will but your life might possibly be hell until you get through it. This isn't going to be fun!!

Musical Motion: Desperate - Fireflight

2010-09-01T10:58:00.008-06:00

Seek and you will find, they say

but I've been looking everyday

for a way past this wall that's in front of my face.I

'm on hands and knees searching for my faith.

I know there's so much at stake

but I don't know if I can take

one more pat on the back saying I'll be okay

.Can't you see me whole life is in disarray?

You've got me desperate.

I know You hear me,

Would You give me a sign?

Reel me in before I've fallen in line.

You've put me on a path

I don't understand

I'm standing on a ledge waving my hands.

You've got me desperate (do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate.

I know You're my only hope

The only One who truly knows how it feels,

what it's like when it all starts to fall

You're the One I can trust who hears when I call.

You've got me desperate.

I know You hear me,

Would You give me a sign?

Reel me in before I've fallen in line.

You've put me on a path I don't understand.

I'm standing on a ledge waving my hands.

You've got me desperate (do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate.

Some things I'll never figure out

Until I let hope erase my doubt.

You've got me desperate.

I know You hear me,

Would You give me a sign?

Reel me in before I've fallen in line.

You've put me on a path I don't understand,

I'm standing on a ledge waving my hands.

You've got me desperate (do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate.

You've got me desperate. (Oh do You see me?)

Desperate (do You hear me?)

Desperate (will You help me?)

You've got me desperate!

Are you sensing a theme??? Cause I am feeling a theme - it is amazing to me how the mighty have fallen - in a good way. I never thought I would be here, what is even more amazing is that it is even farther than I was last year which doesn't seem possible - and what scares me is that means that this might not be the bottom. But I have fallen, I never imagined (when I was safe in christian camping) that I would ever want to turn my back on God - and I went through some crap there!! But I tried. I tried to run away, to prove he was wrong, to live my own life. Where did it end in disaster - just like he told me it would. But I am once again (and on a deeper level) Desperate for GOD, once I got done with my temper tantrum I realized it was good.

Musical Motion: Never Alone

2010-08-31T12:22:00.004-06:00

Never Alone

I waited for you today

But you didn't show

No no no

I needed You today

So where did You go?

You told me to call

Said You'd be there

And though I haven't seen

YouAre You still there?

I cried out with no reply

And I can't feel You by my side

So I'll hold tight to what I know

You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You

And I can't explain why

Such a deep, deep reassurance

You've placed in my life

We cannot separate

'Cause You're part of me

And though You're invisible

I'll trust the unseen

We cannot separate

You're part of me

And though You're invisible

I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply And I can't feel You by my side So I'll hold tight to what I know You're here and I"m never alone

This song is once again playing repeatedly for me!!! It is trying to remind me of that which I don't feel. God come near Immanuel

Something's Coming

2010-08-25T16:33:00.005-06:00

So I am thinking I am under MAJOR spiritual attack!! Unfortunately I don't know why or what is going to happen but I think God is up to something in my life. Cause this really sucks!! I think it specifically is associated with my new group of friends. I have never felt so deeply that people hate me and want me to leave when they are not around but felt so deeply accepted and wanted when I am around them. I find myself praying almost constantly with no relief. Which the prayer part is great and I am in the scripture more than I have been in a long time. I actually am battling the desire to just live a spiritually complacent life to make it stop - proof to me that this is from the pit of hell. But it is driving me crazy. Things are really creepy I start balling for NO reason at all, and I feel really weird. I don't get it but please join me in prayer! The verses I am holding onto right now are: PS 94:19 "When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul" Ex 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, you need only be still" IS 41:13 "For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you DO NOT FEAR, I will help you"

It's Personal

2010-08-24T16:23:00.006-06:00

So I have set up an appointment to get a tattoo. I am not announcing it on FB because - well because it's personal. This is my second stab at getting a Tat. My first was when i was in my early (very early) twenties. My sis and I had gone on a road trip to visit my grandma in AZ. My plan (don't really know why I wanted one) was to get footprints. Something that hasn't translated into my CO life is my love of footprints. I still love them and stop everytime I see them in the store, but none of my friends here know it (well very few) which with the type of friends the majority of the people I have met here have been I am not surprised. So I was going to get a set of footprints (and I most likely still will eventually). I found a sticker of footprints and took it to the Tat shop with us - got a price quote (asked my parents for permission) and went and got the money from the ATM - apparently it took us too long however because when we got back, another fare had come in and I had lost my chance!!! Many years later and further along in my relationship with God I have come to a spot in my life where I really want a visual reminder of God's love for me and His faithfulness. About a year or 18 months ago I started thinking about getting the trinity symbol on my wrist. Then i heard a sermon from the youth pastor at Flatirons Community Church. It was on Elijah, there was this moment in his life where this amazing strong prophet got scared and ran away. Interestingly enough it was immediately after his huge triumph. But still he runs. Sounds a lot like me!!! But God is faithful even when Elijah is running. There is one point where Elijah lies down to sleep and God sends an angel to provide food for him to give him strenth to KEEP RUNNING! Who but our amazing God would do such a thing!! Finally Elijah comes to a cave and I think he has decided to stop running. But yet he is in this cave and God comes to him: 1 Kings 19:9-13 There he went into a cave and spent the night. The LORD Appears to Elijah And the word of the LORD came to him: "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 10 He replied, "I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too." 11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. I can relate to Elijah SO much in this story. He puffs himself up - Look at what I have done LORD, and he puts others down, look at what they have NOT done LORD. And what does God do???? shows him His glory. But my favorite part is coming and I think you know where I am going with this. God is NOT in the powerful wind, God is NOT in the earthquake, God is NOT in the fire. But in the gentle whisper. How many times is God just a gentle whisper in my life, yet I continue to look for the fire, earthquake and wind for God and He is whispering. So that is my tattoo The Hebrew word for Whisper or damamah. I had a friend look it up and it appears 3 times in the whole bible!! ONLY 3. So I have set a time Sat at 2pm a couple friends are going to take me to get my first tattoo ever. A lot of people have asked where - on the top of my foot!! Yes one of the most painful places but easiest to look at when ever I need to see it, and very easily covered up (I want it on the flip flop line) it will only be seen if I am barefoot - or making footprints and it comes full circle and I am SO excited!!!

My Fickle Heart

2010-08-16T14:25:00.002-06:00

So last month I was happy!! I was working on different things - School, exercise, eating healthy. And I was bound and determined to make it through life as an introvert. Then I met a group of people that I love!!! I get along with each of them individually AND as a group and we have SO much fun - I love it they are also into the things that I really enjoy - hiking and hanging out, not the expensive stuff all the time. But now I am totally freaking out I feel like if I am not touching base with them all the time then they are making plans without me. Which is just stupid. oh and I like a boy!! This is the most frustrating part!!! Grrrrr - I was perfectly happy and now I am waiting for every chance to hang out and every letter and knowing that of course he doesn't feel the same - cause he hasn't asked for my number and doesn't want to hang out just the two of us. He is obviously attracted to me but I think that is it and so I am trying to be strong and trust in God and it is most likely one of the best things for me - doesn't mean that I don't hate every moment of wondering and frustration!!! AGGHHHHH....... I am hoping that venting about it will help get everything out of my system and make it easier for me to concentrate on God and what he has planned!!!

Low Ropes!!

2010-08-12T10:31:00.003-06:00

I am reliving a piece of history this month! Actually a couple pieces - I get to go on a night hike tomorrow night WOO HOO!! Then Sat I get up bright and early to take an all day kayaking lesson :) Then next weekend I get to run a team challange!! I am so excited. I get to do it with college age girls (and possibly a coed group also). There are eight girls - and all I know is that they want them to work like a team. This should be good!! So far my line up looks like: Zip Bong Blind Walk TP Shuffle (Hula Hoop Pass??) Blind Polygon then when the guys join (I will then have 16) I am thinking Full Value Contract Trust Fall (into a wind in the willow) then Over the Rope (don't remember the name haha) If we end early I am screwed cause you have to kind of bulid up to stuff and can't build much more than that.

Community

2010-08-10T08:33:00.002-06:00

So I have figured it out!! What you ask!?!?!?! What I am fearing. You see I found a new group of people to hang out with - and I LOVE hanging out with them. Probably my favorite group of people since camp. Not favorite person - favorite GROUP. I have hung out with them a couple of times, and I am freaking out. It has taken me awhile to figure out exactly why but it boils down to this - I don't just want a group that likes to hang out with me I want a group that misses me when I am not there and so they make sure that I am there!!! To me that is community. People ask me questions all the time and wonder why I want to leave Colorado and I say because I don't have friends and that is a TOTAL lie, but I couldn't figure out how to communicate exactly what it is that I am feeling. Well after a complete freak out and lots of tears that where I landed. It is so hard because there are so many wonderful people that I get the chance to hang out with. But on a consistent basis only probably 2 that actually think of inviting me places and making an effort to be with me. I am immensely thankful for J and S for that!! For I would not have made it this far without that. But I miss group dynamics. And I feel like I have tried SO many times over and over again, and apparently now as soon as I have a group of people that like hanging out with me I freak - so that is where I am trying to trust God, that this will work out. GOD PLEASE!!! so this is my new prayer - Lord I want a group that wants to hang out with me so much that they invite me to stuff and I fill a need for them as well!!!

Musical Motion - Love Heals Your Heart

2010-07-27T16:49:00.003-06:00

Did you think you were immune to this

Did you think you could escape without infection

You do all you're able to resist

Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past

When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered

And there's no way to be fixed again

Love heals your heart

At a time you least expected

You're alive like you have never been

Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb

That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive

Every smile that they would hide behind

Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it's hard to understand

How we're trapped inside

So I can't even really go into the details of what has been going on in my life this past weekend it is too raw and honestly quite unbelievable - at this point I am still in shock and not too sure what I am thinking and feeling about it. Just like most bad things the hurt and pain hits you out of the blue, and I am a processor so it took me awhile to get to this point. And I still try hard not to cry at the wrong moments! But as all things there are lessons to be learned and not just the obvious ones!! But as I was searching for comfort I came across this song. And just as I have suspected all week long - I just have to wait it out. God is healing my heart and working on me, while I am trying to take time to grieve but not to allow the hurt to skew what I need and I am finding - I need God's healing and wisdom to make it through this time. God help me and heal my heart for no one can but you!

Musical Motion : More Like Falling in Love....

2010-07-15T12:12:00.004-06:00

I absolutely LOVE this song. It totally got me thinking the other day many cause I have an issue with seeking love in a boyfriend/husband type and I need to remember that, that relationship is just an echo of the love that God has for us. It also reminds me of a saying that I have heard before "Rules without relationship lead to rebellion" I have started praying that my love for God would return. I used to be so in love with God, this past year has been hell on my heart and when I finally started coming back to God I didn't do it so much out of love but out of obedience because he loves me. I knew that he was right and that if I followed the wrong path for too long I would find that out the incredibly hard way. I stuck with just the semi hard way and turned back; however I had lost my feelings of love for God, and I want that back. So that has become my prayer and this song has put that into words.....

Give me rules

I will break them

Give me lines

I will cross them

I need more than a truth to believe

I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes

To sweep me off my feet

It ought to be

More like falling in love

Than something to believe in

More like losing my heart

Than giving my allegiance

Caught up, called out

Come take a look at me now

It's like I'm falling, oh

It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words I'll misuse them

Obligations I'll misplace them

'Cause all religion ever made of me

Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet

It never set me free

It's gotta be

CHORUS

...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love

Deeper and deeper

It was love that made

Me a believer

In more than a name, a faith, a creed

Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

Turning to the Dark Side

2010-06-29T09:25:00.005-06:00

I think I am turning into an introvert. I remember when I took the Myers-Briggs test for the first (and I think only - even though I have taken hundreds of others) it split my I (introvert) and E (extrovert) straight down the middle. I never really bothered much with it because I have lived (and loved living) as an extrovert, and most personality tests have agreed with me being an extrovert. However a couple weeks ago I started exercising everyday and most of the time it ended up being right after work (as I HATE getting up any earlier than I have to) And I found that once I did my Walg (combo walk/jog) I would have to take a shower then I would get into my PJs and want to just chill at home - and I was perfectly satisfied!!!! It felt good getting out and exercising and I was usually quite tired by the time I was done and then I just wanted to veg and it cracks me up!! In fact there were nights I wanted to skip out on stuff (with people) just to exercise and rest. I am thinking this is a good thing cause I just went over my school schedule for this next class and I have a TON of work to do each week!!!! This is going to be an interesting couple months but hopefully I will at least save money from not travelling as much ;)

The Stuff Dreams are Made of!

2010-06-27T21:26:00.002-06:00

So I had this fabulous idea for summer break this year...I was going to clean out all the stuff in the basement. the boxes of stuff I have had for years now packed up ready to be used. I thought it would be a great time of hope and renewal as I was preparing to move into a new place (yes this is MONTHS away - but I don't have homework to do right now) I had it all figured out. I would sort out what could be sold and what I wanted to keep. It ended up being SO depressing. Yes I have dwindled down what I "own" and I have a ton of stuff to "sell" (or give away if it doesn't) but I had to go through years of broken dreams. Not only the whole guy thing but the having kids dream and the making a house dream and at then end I just come up with will I ever????I have given up on kids I don't want to have them this old (yes I know it is possible but who wants to be 50 when your kid is a teenager?) So I feel like I have let that one go. But skimming through journals and the many "boys" that never even looked my way? or the one or two slime balls that did!?!?!?! Is that all I am ever going to attract?? Current "boys" a perfect example!! But even the simple dream of a place of my own!! Where I can go out to the living room and watch what I am interested in (instead of celebrating 40 years of "All My Children" REALLY!?!?!?! *currently on. Where I can buy food that can be frozen to cook later. Or even just have enough ROOM to store anything. Where I don't feel like I am constantly stepping on toes or simply someplace where I can be ME. When is it going to be my turn?? When do I get the life I have prayed for?? All I ever wanted growing up was to be a wife and mother, I never wanted a career. So here I am studying for some stupid computer degree so I can go out and make a living to provide myself with a small place I can call "home", maybe near this home I will someday find community and some of my ache will go away. But then again maybe I will be stuck in this stupid sick cycle of trying to find my niche?? Tonight I have no hope for what the future holds.

Revelations

2010-06-16T11:03:00.003-06:00

So I never really did consistant quiet times. At camp we just always talked God - in everything we did, was constantly in bible studies (that actually challenged me to grow) and searching in God's word to write talks or check on stuff. But an everyday set aside time for reading God's word it never happened for me. When I was at camp it wasn't that big of a deal cause I was still conversing with God all day everyday and talking about Him all the time and getting filled. Then I moved to Colorado and all hell broke lose. But I had to learn somehow that my daily time with God was important!! And I really do ascribe to the first thing in the morning quite time being the best (even though I hate waking up early!!) I also have started doing a fast every Wed at lunch to specifically focus on what the heck I am going to do with my life when I finish school!!! :) There will probably be a LOT about that coming up!!

A Weekend To Remember (that I would rather forget)

2010-06-08T12:39:00.007-06:00

On Friday the weekend looked really promising. There was the promise of sun, there was the promise of friendship, and 2 days off which is always wonderful. However by Sun I was well ready for it to be over. Sat mornings I have started a new routine (well two weeks in anyway) but I get up walk then head to the pool to do my homework (the reading portion) this gets me out in the sun and I even take a little snooze for part of it. Unfortunately for two weeks now I have gotten burnt LOL but that is just par for the course. So this weekend I came home to another insurance company letter - I can not tell you how depressing this has become. This one has brought my total to $4,800 ugh even as I type that out it scares me!! Everyone is telling me to fight it but I will get to that later. After I sat down and balled my eyes out in utter frustration - I went to take a shower. It didn't help my outlook. Calling my mom didn't even help but I was off to steak dinner and hot tub time with Sam. Thankfully this went well steak alcohol and hot tub what more could a person want!!! I slept in the next morning deciding to walk in the evening hoping for some respite. After an amazing church service at Flatirons I headed to Panera for free Wi-Fi and good food. The plan was to take care of a big chunk of my homework, and apply for jobs (that is 2nd jobs - nights, weekends type stuff). As is so common my plans got interrupted! I got a call from my mom, her younger brother, my godfather and only uncle really involved in my life, tried to commit suicide. Even now days later typing that brings tears to my eyes. Unfortunately at the time it also brought along with it memories that had lay dormant for a couple years, me huddled in a small trailer not being able to breathe and sitting on my hands in a tub with the water running, just so I wouldn't reach for a knife. As someone that had struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide for a majority of my life, I wasn't surprised. I guess in my state the fact that anyone would try or consider it doesn't surprise me - which I think is sad and hard, but true. As I sat in Panera trying to convince my very distraught mother that I would never be there again (A promise I can only hope to keep because of God's hold on me) I sat amongst strangers and cried a lot, for the second time in just as many days. I texted a couple people and posted on FB the need for prayer, with no one else to turn to. The part that was the worst is the 3 people I consider my closest friends were silent. As much as I try to convince myself that their are extenuating circumstances; it still hurt, a lot. I did talk to a couple people and just tried to cope - still don't know how well I have done with it, or even what being over it would look like. But EVERY time I hear about someone committing or trying to commit suicide - it rocks my world.

Becoming a Geek!

2010-05-24T14:53:00.001-06:00

So - how does it happen??? little by little and I will let you know how it goes ;) but while just checking out info on networking I came accross this chart of amounts of information - just LOOK at how many DVDs it equals (crazy) http://www.cisco.com/assets/cdc_content_elements/networking_solutions/service_provider/visual_networking_ip_traffic_chart.html

Disney with the folks!!!

2010-05-15T17:20:00.003-06:00

Going to Disneyland with my parents is probably one of my favoritest things to do in the world!!! I love being with them and being there!! So fabulous :)

A Small Whisper

2010-05-13T10:32:00.006-06:00

So I have thought a couple times of getting a tattoo - honestly the fact that it is permanent is kinda comforting - cause nothing else is. At one point I was even in a tattoo shop - and my sis and I just had to go get some money (and I called my folks - they didn't like it but said they would still love me ;) I was going to get a small set of footprints - hahaha of course!!! But by the time we got the money and got back there wasn't time :( So I put it out of my mind!! Then Colorado hit me - hard like a Mac Truck. And I thought a symbol - something to grasp would be good for me. The then Youth Pastor, Brad, gave a talk on Elijah and it stayed with me. The story is in 1 Kings 19. Basically he freaks out and runs and prays that God will take his life (yeah been there done that!!!) When he is on the run an angel wakes him from sleep and makes him eat - to give him strength (sustain him) which God has been doing for me - even though I ran away He is still sustaining me and wooing me. Then God has him go to Horeb, the mountain of God. When he goes into a cave God says come out and see my glory - I think you know this part. And God was not in the Earthquake, nor was he in the fire, but he was in the gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:12 (New International Version) 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. I thought to myself THIS is how God works in my life. There are people that get called all over the world, to work and move for God. Their lives (and to an extent mine at camp) is an earthquake or fire - big movements for God huge callings, amazing works. I think I always look for God in the big things but He is among the gentle whispers too. However gentle whisper in English is not too attractive LOL so I thought I would do it in the original Hebrew - but how to do you find THAT!?!?!?!?! So i looked it up on line but didn't really trust it. Well that was last year - sometime; but a couple weeks ago a friend walked into the green room at church with a Greek/Hebrew bible and PERFECT!!!! So I asked him about it. The next day after some research he came to me and told me that word is only found 3 times in the bible and gave me the references and told me to look at them more. The other two - Job 4:16 15 A spirit glided past my face, and the hair on my body stood on end. 16 It stopped, but I could not tell what it was. A form stood before my eyes, and I heard a hushed voice: 17 'Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can a man be more pure than his Maker? Here it says hushed voice very similar - at this time Job is asking for death and his friend comes and speaks to him, and tells him of a dream. And in this dream this spirit in a hushed voice speaks truth to him. And the third - Ps 107:29 28 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. 29 He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. 30 They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Here it is the sea that hushes - but of course again at a time when people cry out to the Lord and they are in peril. I am loving this word even more - not saying I am decided but it would be a nice reminder for the rest of my life. That God speaks to us in small whispers.

Musical Motion – “Better than a Hallelujah”

2010-05-06T00:11:00.001-06:00

Now I have to admit that I was an Amy Grant fan when I was little. She was my VERY FIRST concert, with my mom!! She got really poppy but I absolutely LOVED her old stuff such as Old Man Rubble, and El Shaddi but then she got really popular and I never loved being with the "IN" stuff so I kinda waned. Then all of the sudden she divorced her husband and I was a true fan again and pulled out all of her tapes (yes I said all cause I had ALL). She proceeded to disappear from the spotlight or any light for that matter (Except Vince's I am sure). We did pull out her Christmas Album every year cause we all (the Fam) loved it and it brought back family memories. So a couple weeks ago I was very shocked to hear her voice once again on the radio (Christian radio at that!!) But I stopped to listen and WOW. She is back with power, her new song is freakin' amazing!!! I have been telling everyone I can about this song. In fact I even wrote our pastor about it (never really done that one before) it fit so perfectly with the sermon for the weekend. I think it is something God has been pounding into my head for some time now. To just come to him; be real, authentic, be heartbroken before Him. He deserves it, more than my best friend does, more than my mom or sister does – God deserves, and longs and hopes that I come to HIM with every breath I take. This past year I have learned more about forgiveness as I have run (like Jonah) in the wrong direction and God constantly pursued me even as I was running away. As I time and time again tried to tell God to F' off and He didn't I came to know how much He loves me. Still not where I was but I am on the road back – and I am crying out to God with every emotion that I have no matter what it is.

God loves a lullaby in a mother's tears in the dead of night

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God love's a drunkard's cry, a soldier's plea not to let him die

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah

A woman holding on for life, a dying man giving up the fight

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

Tears of shame for what's been done, a silence when the words won't come

Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing, better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries God just hears a melody

Beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah

Reference

2010-04-19T08:29:00.002-06:00

Sometimes all I can do to describe what is happening is refer to someone that says it better than I ever could this morning is it is written HERE

Cousins :)

2010-04-04T21:01:00.007-06:00

I have a lot of family here in Denver that I don't get too many chances to hang out with but this was I night I won't soon forget :) Kim's batchlerette party!!

BLESSED!

2010-04-03T21:06:00.002-06:00

Romans 4:7-8

⁷"Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. ⁸Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him.

This is a shift in thinking for me. I am searching right now for something to make my life blessed. I am having a hard time being cooped up in my house. And tonight at church I was surrounded by friends which is amazing - there was a time that didn't happen. Yet I still went home to a lonely house and still felt like my life was missing something so I started reading my bible and this verse jumped out at me - BLESSED are they .... not because I am married not because I have nice clothes or a beautiful body. NOT because I have someone to go home to, to make love to and have kids with. I am BLESSED for the simple reason that my sins are FORGIVEN.

I have grown up in the church, worked at christian camps and have come to take this for granted. This past year I have tasted it a bit more as I have struggle with my life and not liking it and trying to get more of what I like on my own strength I have taken it for granted. I haven't felt guilty as I have struggled with sin because I am forgiven. But this AMAZING fact needs to daily bring me to my knees, and instead of opening the gateway for me to stray, it needs to be a beacon to me of thankfulness. Remind me that God gave up Jesus for me. Not to be taken advantage of - although He will forgive me even that - but to bring me back to Him so that I get the awesome privilege of being in close relationship with Him.

For I am blessed because simply I am Forgiven. Even though parts of my life are hell, I am blessed.

Giving in...

2010-03-17T19:04:00.002-06:00

I think I am becoming an introvert :( I don't know quite what to do about it but I spend a majority of my time alone. It's not that I necessarily like it but I don't dislike it anymore. Friday's happy hour - and me alone!!! Movie - yep that too. I almost went to DISNEYLAND alone!!! And for a bit of the time I was - who does that?????

But I feel like there are things I want to do and get done in my life - and if I can't get anyone to do it with me why should I pass up the opportunity? I still get to do the cool stuff and sometimes I get someone to join but I am still going to do it!!! And the fact that I am SWARMED by homework and spend my nights in front of the TV with grandma doing homework - that is just life. I don't know if I like it or not, but I do know that at this point I am not too sure how to change it :( I have to just roll with how life is and keep doing the things that I want to do not letting the fact that I am doing it alone get me down. Life is meant to be lived and that is what I am going to do!!!

Neglect

2010-03-13T14:17:00.004-07:00

I know I have neglected this blog terribly :( and there have been so many things that I have wished that I could write about. But I must focus where I can these days. So this is just a couple of my current ramblings that have taken place.

first - drugs, I am starting to understand why people get addicted to perscription drugs. Not only is my pain gone but I feel fabulous!!! Like nothing really matters - kinda like when I am drinking (only less calories - bonus) NO I am not saying I am in danger of getting addicted but I can certainly understand why people would.

You know the people of this time hate pain, physical or emotional. And will turn to anything that will numb it, or "stop" it. And God forces us to face pain. Because God forces us to face truth. Which is honestly a good thing, but really doesn't "feel" good. Last year a lot of my focus was on "feeling" good, which didn't go so well. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, with first hand experience, of how God does not allow us out of his hand. Even if we fight against it. I am NOT excited about, and I am definitely not excited about the road back from it. But I know that I am on my way back from it. Which in and of it's self isn't very fun either LOL

But as I sit here on my back "porch" not in pain and a little "tipsy" from the drug I can know that one day it will be worth it!!

Eye Opener...

2010-02-02T10:01:00.006-07:00

So as this might possibly be my last full year in Colorado (at this point I am still leaning towards moving) I have been trying to make sure that I take full advantage of being here. I want to get to do all the things that I would want to do in CO I have at different times made different lists - so I have started planning out what I want to do. It is a very exciting time, mainly because I can do stuff!!! With the Bankruptcy going through last October, and the fact that I am on a diet (so I am NOT eating out) I have extra money hanging around. So I am taking advantage of this process (yes I am also saving money!!!) and doing the things I have been wanting to do for the 3 years I have lived here and haven't been able to do. I have been getting really excited about it - the probably most exciting, most waited for, AND most expensive is going to be "Diving with the Sharks!!!" You have to be a certified SCUBA to do this and I have been waiting since I moved here to do this. And on the day I was checking into it I read this blog(especially the very end). As I am planning vacations - Kim is planning surgeries. Now I know what it is like to to be in pain and plan surgeries (for more on that go here). But it was a huge wake up call. This year (2010) has been amazing - I started a diet that I have been able to follow and have so far lost 25 lbs. This has been a huge boost for hope in my life. I also can finally see the end of school and the moving out of grandma's house!! (hopefully only 16 more months). Things are starting to look up! Which has been a total switch from last year. But basically it was an eye opener for me to realize how lucky I am!! Thank you God :)

2010-01-19T12:25:00.001-07:00

So one day when I am done with school - I think I am going to do this weekly, I would like to start it now however I don't think I can do it consistently :) However I get SO much encouragement from songs!! And this one really hits home as 1. I hate where I live and 2. I am done with this world in general this works both ways - Little boy, 6 years old A little too used to bein' alone Another new mom and dad,another school Another house that'll never be home When people ask him how he likes this place He looks up and says with a smile upon his face This is my temporary home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know this is my Temporary Home. Young mom on her own She needs a little help got nowhere to go She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out Because a half-way house will never be a home At night she whispers to her baby girl Someday we'll find a place here in this world This is our temporary home It's not where we belong Windows and rooms that we're passin' through This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going I'm not afraid because I know this is our Temporary Home. Old man, hospital bed The room is filled with people he loves And he whispers don't cry for me I'll see you all someday He looks up and says "I can see God's face" This is my temporary Home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know this was My temporary home. This is our temporary home

Beaming....

2010-01-14T12:09:00.003-07:00

Ok so I don't feel like I am fabulous at a lot of things. But I like to do things well. One of the things I feel like I do really well is the Slides at church - I love doing it and my background in music totally helps, also the way that God has programmed me to be able to anticipate accurately :) well I have always loved doing it and have been told by a few people that I do it well. I am in my third year of doing it at Flatirons, just recently people have really started complimenting me, and it has been so wonderful. I know sometimes we, as people, feel like we do something well when really we suck at it!!! So it started with the vocalists telling me they preferred when I was on, then we had a concert with Charlie Hall and I had the privilege of doing the tech for it and the Program Director told me at one point she looked at the slides and said she was thankful I was on. Then recently one of the worship pastors told me I was flawless (which of course isn't completely true I am NOT perfect) but it made my weekend. Today was the best. The person in charge of all the Tech at the church called and asked me to do slides this weekend cause it was really complex. The guy that was scheduled isn't feeling well, but he told me even if that guy was up he would have asked me to come in. (and that both worship pastors have asked why I can't do it every weekend) One of the best things in the world for me is to feel like people can count on me, being the one they call on in a pinch. And knowing that these guys feel like I am the one to do slides at it's most complex just makes me smile - beam actually!!! And I don't want you to think that I am boasting I know that God has gifted me and every weekend I am up I feel like I do this so God can be seen and people are not distracted by what is happening tech wise. But it makes me feel good inside :)

Annual Trip

2010-01-13T16:08:00.003-07:00

So I am getting the Disney itch again (anyone really surprise - i mean come on it has been 8 months!!!) I am planning a trip end of Feb or beginning of March. When talking to my parents they are taking my neice Zoe (she is turning 16) in May (before our passes run out :) So they suggested that they stay a couple days extra and I can join them at that point!! So I may get two trips to Disney before my pass runs out (WOO HOO). But the good news is since I am on this diet I am eating at home almost all of my meals - and it is saving me SO much money that I can go to Disney. How crazy is that???? That is a reason for me to stop eating out :) I also have kinda stopped hanging out with people cutting down my going out income so - Disney here I come. Seems like a good trade off for me!! I am going to enjoy my time.

the death of dreams....

2010-01-01T23:36:00.003-07:00

what do you do when all of your dreams are gone? How do you move on from that? what do you come up with new dreams do you just pick them. Can you just choose new dreams? and what do you do with the longing in your heart for the old.....

These are questions that I can't seem to find the answers too I am tired of them but I can't get past them either. I feel like I am moving through live just doing what ever has to be done to keep moving, surviving so what do I do now?

The Confession

2009-12-17T14:02:00.003-07:00

My despair came because of loneliness. When I first got to CO I joined a small group. Unfortunately those not strong in the faith pulled more on those strong than the other way around. God was great at giving me wisdom and I was doing well in the group however, a year ago they ended up sacrificing me in the middle and the whole group fell apart. Someone was upset at something I had said and instead of biblically coming to me and discussing it they emailed everyone in the group except me. Through that process all but one other person basically turned on me while still confessing to be my friend. I felt so alone but was still ok. Then I started dating a guy, a non christian, thankfully he lives in FL so all we did was talk, text and imagine. I know without a doubt that if he lived in CO or closer so it wasn't so expensive then I would no longer be a virgin. And in fact for the first couple months of our relationship that was my goal. I have never before in my life tried so hard to go against the will of God, yet here I was seeking after the exact opposite.I was SO alone and everyone around me was either non christian or what they had done in their past was so much worse that they felt they couldn't tell me what I was doing was wrong. It was so weird because I knew God was watching out for me. I found myself asking others to pray for me because I didn't have the strength myself to do it. In fact I couldn't pray at all. But I kept going to the awesome (although huge) church that I attend.Luckily we had an issue in our relationship and he got mad at something I had said. Instead of talking with me he sulked, this was such a huge reminder of what had just happened with my small group that it made me MAD. And a short time after that God provided me with the strength to break up with him. Unfortunately it is still along road I don't feel like I am moving closer to God but I believe someday I will, all I know is that so far I have stopped moving away.

What was Missing....

2009-12-08T23:54:00.002-07:00

So I have had a couple of great nights recently - which is good because, well honestly CO has been very hard for me. But I come out of these nights of laughter (one that even brought on my asthma cough - now you know THAT is good!!). But I say good night get into my car and burst into tears. The first couple times this happened I couldn't figure out why, but I think I get it. It makes me miss camp. Not just the laughter but the very fact that the people I was laughing with cared enough about me to be there when I was crying. I can't find that here. I want laughter and tears together in one relationship. And I do have that in some and I don't want anyone to think that their friendship isn't important to me. But I have it in ones in different groups. I want it in a group, I want community - I long for it, hope for it (and am getting back to the point where I hope enough to pray for it.) I miss the group feel. I don't discount friends that I have but it is SO different. I love my friends, and I am FINALLY starting to get some good ones, but I long for a group. Why is that? why can't I be satisfied with what I have? I am hoping that the realization of why will help me come to terms with why not.

It also makes me feel fake. For awhile I was telling everyone when I wasn't doing good; however if you are always not doing good you feel more like a burden than a friend. Also it is hard to explain why you aren't doing good but still can smile and laugh and have fun. people don't understand that one!! But it is life it is how it goes, I am tired of not being ok, but not sure of how to get to ok. So I don't, but I have stopped mentioning it and I am not sure if it is because I am mostly ok, or I just got tired of explaining why I am not ok. But I am tired. I am tired of my dreams not coming true, I am tired of being in pain all the time, I am tired of having to stop eating what I like, and doing things I find as fun. And I am tired of giving up those unimportant things hoping they will lead to me getting the important things and not getting those either. In other words I am ready to say "check please" and be done - whatever that looks like.

Christmas 09

2009-12-02T22:57:00.006-07:00

Merry Christmas!!!!!

I would like to start with the bad news because I like ending on a good note.

The worst - I had to file for bankruptcy :( not my crowing moment in life but a necessary evil sometimes. This came after much prayer and advice from the knowledgeable. This gets rid of the debt that accumulated when I hurt my neck - so aside from the fact that my health hasn't bounced back completely at least financially I am moving on :)

Now to the good stuff.

I have tried to keep busy and going this year!!

I gained another niece in February of this year Cadence - now my brother, Yuri, and his beautiful wife, Jennifer, have 7 kids. They live in Oregon City OR so very hard away from me and I miss them terribly. I was blessed to see them in April - the whole family gathered to watch Emma's dance competition. It was so wonderful to have the whole family together and to enjoy the hospitality of my brother's family.

In May my folks and I took our annual pilgrimage to Disneyland!! It was a fabulous trip - we took our time and relaxed. We got a hotel right across from the gate and walked in everyday :) we didn't ride all of the rides or eat at any really fancy restaurants but we took our time and enjoyed the company of one another!! We did take care of all of our favorites - Indiana Jones (I even got to drive), Soarin', and of course California Screamin'. We opened our lost bottle of Olivia - while celebrating both of my parents birthdays!!

At the end of May I made an insane trip out to California to pick up my new car! Her name is Bella Zita (it means Beautiful Little Hope). I drove 18 hrs out and 19 hrs back on the three day weekend, came home with my beautiful gift from family friends a 1994 Toyota Camry - should get me through the next 5 years or so!!

In June my friend Samantha and I were both ready to get out of town for a bit so we took a road trip - To South Dakota. That is right we took a trip to see the presidents. Not only did I get to check off another state in my goal to see all 50 but I got to view Mt Rushmore. What an amazing sight!!! Such an incredible place to be!! It was really amazing to see - we also got to check out Bear Country USA where bears (and other really cool wild animals) were 2 feet from our car!! SO fun.

July was Inependance day and fireworks. August my birthday and September I rocked out at a Brad Paisely concert!

October was an absolutely crazy month!!! Danielle came to visit me and we hit the New Belgium Brewery, and the Stanley Hotel!! We spent a day up in beautiful Estes Park!! And of course just like Colorado had some snow (yes in October). I also took a weekend vacation to Steamboat Springs and Aspen with Rachel! We experienced the ultimate small town and enjoyed the Hot Springs. I also got to see the Maroon Bells for the first time ever – gorgeous mountain views!!

In work news I have been answering phones for Supreme Auto Transport. I work in the dispatcher department, sending 10 car haulers all over the country. I spend 8 hrs a day chatting it up on the phone. So fun!! I work with the high schoolers throughout the week at my church, as well as volunteering there on the weekends. I am in the middle of getting a degree in Networking Administration. So here I am in the middle of this thing we call life!!

I would love to hear from you - best way is Facebook (my favorite obsession) or email 2b.barefootin@gmail.com!!

Love you <3

His child, freedom

Picasa

2009-12-01T23:16:00.000-07:00

So love that I just created this as a year in review!!! Hopefully it will look good as a 4 x 6 it's going out soon :)

Living the Dream??

2009-10-28T14:03:00.003-06:00

A friend asked me last night (at youth group - right after I heard some frustrating news) how life was. I said fine - cause it is. Normal not much has changed. Still working at Supreme, doing school full time, social life is very random and up and down, health is so-so, money situation is bare. Just life - and he responded "Just living the dream huh?" and I said - not really. Momentary break, this is a married man, great guy but we don't do the bare your soul thing. So I felt a little uncomfortable. NO I am not living the dream I told him I was just living life, and he responded with "close to living the dream then" NO nothing near. If I EVER dreamed about what my life would look like - this would be NOTHING like it. Things got a little uncomfortable and we both joined the conversation that was taking place next to us. But it stuck with me Are you living the dream?? Or anything slightly resembling "the dream"? Cause I am not. Maybe that is why I don't like my life much. I am no where near living close to any kind of dream I might have at some point in my life possibly thought to dream up! and that sucks!

I am no Superhero....

2009-10-23T10:02:00.002-06:00

One of the problems I have found with doing your job well, is everyone expects you to job beyond well. because I ask for more work when I have down time they bring me more work when I don't have down time. And I get drivers mad at me for holding up my job that the dispatchers want me to do - and I get weary!!! I ended up 5 calls on hold - none for the dispatchers that were available, a driver pissed off at me and I get to work all day on the part of my job I hate the most! Welcome Fri 9am!! Goodness can't even make an hour into the day :( It is so bad everyone on the phones is noticing - eekk Ok deep breathe and start over!! Fresh water, heating pad and good music (now if that phone would stop ringing and I could go back to bed.....)

A Wonderful Weekend!!!

2009-10-13T14:36:00.011-06:00

So I am taking a jaunt into the realm of an informational blog!! Every once in a while I have to just tell you about "what" I am doing instead of "what" I am thinking :) So I have to tell you about my weekend! Mainly because it was one of my favorite kind - the unexpected!!! Also because it was in October and after my last post it is fitting! I started the weekend out enjoying the company of Jo Jo Potatoes and Nic at Dinner! We ate at D&B and had a wonderful evening, talking about everything happening and Nic's new tat!! There was a small set back going to see the movie, "The Invention of Lying" I was SO disappointed in this movie (as were the other two girls); I was really bummed cause I had been looking forward to it for so long. And now I have to mourn the passing of hope gone astray!! But I quickly moved on because I wasn't going to let a lame movie ruin my wonderful weekend!! I had a brief intermission where I stopped off at my house to change, and it started to SNOW. Of course first snow of the year is when D comes to visit!! But I made it to the airport with perfect timing to run in and meet her inside (and surprise her!!) Luckily I caught her before she made it to the curb LOL. Funniest thing about picking her up was it was SO cold that the remote on my car didn't work and we set off the alarm (oops - a theme to go through the weekend!!). We made it home really late (I took the long way home because of the snow!). So with my BFF coming into town I scheduled a tour at the New Belgium Brewery. I also had Sam one of my favorite CO girls join us. With sleeping in and the bad weather we got a late start, and made FoCo just in time to catch a quick lunch right before the tour. The NBB tour was fabulous - slide, climbing wall and 6 "tastes" of beer. Plus they sent out postcards for us to make all of our friends jealous!! I resisted buying journals, cute beanies and scarfs. As a bonus we found 2 geo caches in the area!!! One was a little difficult, and we found out that the wording of the clue is sometimes VERY important!! This will be my next "big" purchase - handheld gps to go geocaching!!! (hint this would make a GREAT christmas present ;) We made it back from FoCo in time to make it to service (only D's 2nd in person!!) and I got to introduce her to Jim (she said he is older in person than his pic on the website leads on ;) We then got to play wii games (and dominate at 80's scene it) at the FSM leaders game night!! Lots of laughs and fun!! We had a great time, and it is fun to introduce her to some of my friends so she knows who I am talking about!!! I even got a pic of her sleeping at the Eyerman's house (for old times sake - she can sleep ANYWHERE, no matter how much noise LOL) Sun morning we actually had to get up at a relatively early time so I could go help out at Remix (while she checked out the area!!) Then it was off to the mountains. I had originally planned to go up there to see the fall colors! Not too many to see through the rain and snow :( We also had planned to watch glass blowing, but never made it there either LOL. We were going to stop off at the Stanley Hotel and briefly look around - the place had us mesmerized and we jumped in on the end of one of the tours - we were intrigued and after talking to a couple different people we finally got to join the next tour, a small intimate tour that thanks to Kevin (our guide) took two hours. So after that we just cruised the town and found Ed's Cantina for dinner! A nice non-chain mexican place!! We made it back from the mountains, just in time to watch "Surrogates" (much better choice!) and home to get all the pics on the computer (coming to a FB page near you!!) The next morning I had to drop D off at Starbucks and it was sad :( But what a great weekend!!! Just had to share it!

The October Twist

2009-10-09T12:09:00.005-06:00

October for years has been my foe! And many ages ago I planned to get married(if I ever was to get married) in Oct just to make it a better month. It is kinda funny because fall really is my favorite time of year and the colors that represent fall are my favorite colors - yet October has long been my Nemesis. October (more than other months) seemed to have horrible things happen, and I began to dread the month. 1996 - a dear friend committed suicide - after we had MANY talks about it, and I feared I might succumb to the same fate. 1997 - left WM after a year and a half to move back with the folks (hard at 22) 1998 - self diagnosed depression - after MANY days of being curled up on my bed balling my eyes out (diagnosed by a Doctor the next Jan) 1999 - major injury to my shoulder, leading to me leaving WM the next Feb 2000 - major injury to my ankle (leading to the second year in a row of PT throughout the Christmas season and New Year) 2005 - realized that the headache that started a month earlier wasn't going away any time soon - in fact it took another year and $25,000 (plus the money the insurance paid) 2006 - moved to CO - 2007 - Got fired 2008- was a WONDERFUL year - however the very people that were making my Oct wonderful stabbed me in the back in Dec and now we are in 2009 And I am hoping it is good! I have my Best Friend coming out, the weekend after that a weekend away, and then a weekend housesitting. So much potential for October this year!!! And if any of you dear friends of mine decide to hurt me in Dec - I will hunt you down and shoot you!!! - but no pressure love ya <3

California Dreamin'

2009-09-30T08:35:00.003-06:00

So most of my life I have had nice peaceful, undisturbed, dreamless sleep!!! Every once in awhile I will have a dream I remember and they are usually kinda freaky (and wake me up mid sleep - BOO HISS!!!!!) So the last time I started remembering my dreams was 5 or 6 years ago my friend Q thought it weird that I didn't remember them (most people do) and we started talking about why I don't remember. I don't know why - but I put out there that I don't really have dreams in life I can't see why I would have them while I sleep. She felt as a Christian I should have hopes and dreams of some kind, maybe in her world - but it just doesn't really work for me. So we started talking a lot about it and I started remembering my dreams, and have come to the conclusion - it's not worth it. Usually my hopes and dreams tend to become the center of my attention (instead of God) and then they tend to not come true. So the short end is I stopped dreaming (consciously anyway I still have those latent dreams that are stubborn and break my heart at every chance. Anyway back to my nighttime dreams - the other night I had two really weird dreams - The first I was on a train a real old fashioned one, something happened and it was in a crash. The next scene I was riding shotgun (I don't even know if that is what you call it) but up front with the engineer, and we were going along fine and laughing, then there was a train in front of us and all of the sudden it was turning sideways, and we hit it straight on and I woke up 3AM. Then about 30 mins or so later I finally got back to sleep and.... I was back in California (although Sacramento area) my sister had given me a ride from sac up to auburn courthouse(I am assuming, I have never been there!) for the court session I had to go to (all I can think of for this is the bankruptcy I have coming up) I never made it to court in the dream but throughout the whole time I had this anxiety (probably what woke me up eventually) and my sister turned into my friend Jolene (thankfully her and not the other people from CO that could've followed me) - and no I didn't see the metamorphosis (whoosh that would be weird). And this girl from high school was there (she's a lawyer so kinda makes sense, she is the only California lawyer I know). But Jo and I ended up sitting right next to this group of people (my lawyer friend ended up being in) but they were in comfy, overstuffed chairs with pics on the wall of this little girl (didn't really see them clearly) but they were talking about how this cute little girl had been killed by her older sister - WHAT THE FREAK!?!?! and this is where I woke up (5AM) and decided I am taking drugs to fall asleep for the next few nights....

Word for Word!! (in a summary sort of way)

2009-09-17T14:49:00.005-06:00

So I read somewhere that someone (to get to know the scriptures better) wrote out the whole bible. It was when I was laid up with my neck all goofed up, so I had loads of down time and thought - "What a cool idea!". Little side note here I STINK at memorization BTW!!! So I bought a really cool journal (which was dumb as I collect them and have at least 10 empty ones!) I started with Matthew - I would really like to say that I had some cool reason for choosing Matthew, and I might have, but 4 years latter - who knows!?! Any way I think I made it to like Chapt 13 (and I know that because I found the journal recently dead stopped at chapt 13). I may pick it up again someday - it helps because when I read the bible my brain tunes out and says, "hey, I've read this before!" So a lot of the time it just is useless. So I am NOT writing a post to tell you of something significant in my life years ago. I am writing because I have started doing it again. Only I am writing out the book of Romans, again - I am sure there was some significance when I picked it, but do you REALLY expect me to remember??? I started one day at work when I was bored (it was a holiday - yeah I know I remember that!?!) So anyway I started writing out the book of Romans one holiday when I was bored at work. It didn't last long (no idea why) , but I have picked it up again (because, well - I am SO awesome that I have finished all of my work) and I have made it to Chapt 4 (I am writing out the Message so I have no idea what verses!) As I have been writing this out all the while thinking about my ex (of course) and other non Christians I know, and wondering what it would take for them to come to Christ (of course God moving in their lives) I was thinking about how they (the 2 people I was thinking of) think they are "good". And honestly they are, otherwise I probably wouldn't want to be friends with them! However in Isaiah it says that even our "good deeds are like dirty rags" (if you don't know what dirty rags they are talking about - the womanly kind). When compared to the Heavenly Glory of God even our "good deeds" don't stand a chance of being good. That along with the fact that there are so many "bad deeds (in the christian realm we call these sins)" that we have done in our lives; (even the "good" people have done millions and millions!!) that we can't do enough "good deeds" to make up for them. As someone that is leaning on Christ (even more so now) I have always claimed that I have known I am not "good", however I came to know this even MORE this summer (but that is for another blog). Any way back to Romans 4 (yes I am a bunny trail person), there is a section near the beginning that says that the job (doing good), is too big for us and we need to trust God for our goodness. And I think of these friends of mine. Here they insist that they are "good" people and so they don't admit that they need God. They feel like they are "good enough" to make it to heaven, I think because they compare themselves to the "bad people" of the world. And so sin (bad stuff) becomes weighted. There are some sins that are worse than others in their minds, and this gets them off scott free (in their minds!!!). Reading Romans solidifies in my mind that there is no such thing as good enough, and all sin is equal. So they (even though I love them intensely) are not "good enough". I began to think that, if they could just come to the realization that there is no such thing as "good enough" (which is contrary to all of society), they might realize that they NEED God. Of course that is just the beginning of the whole (lifelong) process. And so I was thinking of how hard it is to admit, to ourselves even, that we are "bad" people. And we are, but I was also thinking about how amazing it is that we have to admit that we are NOT good, to become good. And how the admitting that our "good deeds" are NOT "good deeds" actually makes even our "bad deeds" non condemning. How through admitting that we don't always do good we lose the punishment for EVERY "bad deed" we do. And I again stop and wonder at how amazing our God is!!

Fail Blog!!

2009-09-11T15:36:00.002-06:00

A big thing these days is to say FAIL in big bold letters across pictures - right now I feel like I can do that right across my life. I feel like my life is a big FAIL!! Can't get a date (in anywhere but FL) even tried online - anyone can get a date there (but me)! Don't even want to talk about all of the million health issues, that I can't seem to get around. But right now the big FAIL for me is my finances. No matter how much I tell people I couldn't do anything (and I truly feel like I couldn't do more) I still feel like a big failure for having to file bankruptcy :( - I also hate that I have become a "glass half empty"girl and I can't shake it. Now more than ever I miss who I was before and I am praying that God can bring that girl back!

The Snap

2009-09-05T16:41:00.002-06:00

And just that easy I have moved on. I think is sounds heartless, but it is true. I have that elusive peace that surpasses understanding. But I am still quite frustrated to not get what I want - there's not much new about that however. But at least I am longing to do what is right again! The turn came when I talked to Paul and he understood. The way I described it to my friend - is that it makes sense; when you logically look at the situation it is the best solution. When Paul came to the same realization it helped me move on. I still feel deeply about him, and there are a lot of things I love about him, but I know it can't be for now. :( Life goes on.....

Playlist of the Hurting...

2009-08-31T15:57:00.002-06:00

I am bored at work so I thought I would blog and for me songs are always really powerful there are some songs that are really helping me right now (and I am skipping on my iPod all the ones that are not) Luckily I knew that I would be breaking up with Paul - it had to happen eventually - and these are the songs I bought with my Bday money to help with the process (IE give me strength and comfort during and after the process) Hold My Heart - 10th Avenue North (this one was on repeat for about 2 hrs) If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens (trying to have this attitude) Million Pieces (Kissin' Your Cares Goodbye)- Newsboys Broken - Lifehouse Man of God - Audio Adrenaline (this one helped me when I knew what I was doing was wrong it reminded me that I could still chose to do what is right) Closer to Love - Mat Kearney (key line for me "we're all one phone call from our knees") Lay 'Em Down - Needtobreathe (really just stumbled on this one) Signature of the Divine (Yahweh) - Needtobreathe Stronger Woman - Jewel (the guys that she describes in here sounds a lot like Paul - go figure) Sounds Like Life to Me - Darryl Worley (always a good reminder) Strange - Reba McEntire (GOOD stuff) Don't Make Me - Blake Shelton (I played this more in the working up to stage and skipping right now) Ocean Wide - The Afters (talks about how Wide God's love is) Insensative - Jann Arden Two Hands - Jars of Clay (also key in getting me to decide to follow God and stop splitting my devotion) There are more but these are the ones I bought with my gift card so all together - therefore easy to listen to all at one time. well that was 20 mins of distraction that I definitely needed.

The Altar of Ego

2009-08-30T22:09:00.002-06:00

There is a song I have heard before that talks about a "sacrifice on the altar of ego".

I am talking too loud when there's so much I should be hearing I am walking too proud when I know a fall is nearing I am thinking too much for someone who knows so little I am spinning so fast, I'm landing in the middle Of this cold familiar place where I struggle to save face And I lose all of the things that matter Chorus I don't want to be here again Bowed at the alter of ego I've sacrificed most everything Here at the alter of ego I've got just four friends I will let advise me Me, myself and I and the evil twin inside me We talk each other up and we bring each other down 'Cause there's nothing we like more than the ever present sound Of the voice inside my head, once again it's led To losing all the things that matter Repeat Chorus I need a touch of love, I need a thrust of grace A push, a shove, a slap in the face 'Cause I have gazed too long at the person in the mirror As I turn away, I'm finding things are clearer I will set my sights on Someone so much higher Not on what I want, but on what I require To travel to the place where at last I can embrace All the things that really matter

This has been me for awhile now. I have let self pity come into my life. Yes I have been dealt a hard blow, I am in pain most days, I am about to file for bankruptcy, I had to rebuild friendships into my life (for the 3rd time since I moved to CO), and I live in a place that is nothing more than a bed and a roof. It is hard, tough to make it through everyday with a smile on my face. And the thoughts that I hate this life I am living were more than the depression that I have already been healed of.

this time of life is really scary for me - for the first time in my life I have considered going (full blown) against God's will. I have desired it and made plans for it and even put those plans into action - no it hasn't happened yet. But I have tried every way possible.

I had a man offer me what I have always wanted marriage. Can you believe it, someone wanted to marry me. I haven't even been asked on a date in years, and here is someone that wants to spend the rest of their life with me. The only consistent dream I have had my whole life is marriage. The only thing I have wanted to be when I grew up is a house wife - and here was my chance. The catch you ask? - he's not a Christian. I believe I could make it work with him I know that we would make each other happy and that we could last forever. But he doesn't love God - my biggest requirement. Funny he hits about 90% of the others.

So tonight - I sacrificed him (no not literally) I wrote him and told him I couldn't be with him anymore. Just one more sacrifice of my life on the altar for God.

Calling Out for More

2009-08-26T09:38:00.007-06:00

So I currently answer phones for a living. This is the highlight of my job - seriously!!Mainly because just about every guy that calls thinks I am "Hot" so I get to flirt a lot; and who doesn't LOVE to flirt - really!?!?! So everyone keeps telling me we need to make a book (I figure a blog is way easier!!) about all the funny calls I get!!Unfortunately I am starting a couple years late but hey I will post more if I remember them :) Right now I work in the trucking industry - which means I get a lot of Huns, sugar, dear, darlin' - which I love which has humorously transferred into guys telling me that the love me as they hang up; I also have guys calling just to talk and a couple of people that consider me friends and share quite a bit of information with me. But I also end up with lots of funny stories here are a few - Driver: Hey can I talk to JD? Me: He's off today? Driver: Can I hold my thought - all day? A gentleman left a message yesterday asking for a load out of FL and asked us to call him back - but he left no name, no company, and no phone number. One thing that bugs me is when people don't listen to me like the plethora of times I ask if there is a NAME in the order ID and they rattle off numbers - grrrr This goes with the one above Me: "Is there a name in the Order ID?" Lady: "No - it just says DEB" Caller: "Is Hilda there?" Me: "She's on the phone, can I give your her voice mail?" Caller: "No, can I call her back?" - I don't know can you?; sorry no you are only allowed to call people once here - what oh what do I answer???? Me: "Thank you....." blah blah blah Greeting... Caller: "I am calling with a fax number to get my load faxed to me." Me: "Where does the load start out?" Caller: "The fax number is..." Me: "No where does the load start out?" Caller: "The load ends in Jamaica NY." Me: "NO WHERE DOES THE LOAD START???" Caller: "oh Baltimore" Caller "I am trying to send you a fax and your fax is busy. - Can you tell me what's wrong with it?" Me:"ummmmm.......it's busy.." More to come....

The Waiting Period

2009-08-24T12:30:00.005-06:00

As always I receive encouragement from others. I have been following blogs for over a year now. The one that got me started is "Katherine's Mom's Blog" This blog is way powerful and amazing to see what this family has endured is amazing, and how they cling to God through it all is awe inspiring. One of the quotes from her blog the other day is: "And most times, prayers are answered in stages, so that faith has an opportunity to stretch and grow." I think this is my least favorite thing about God. Is that He makes us wait. I don't even mind the "No" answer to prayer because then I can have closure and move on. But when He says "Not yet", it kills me. I am this little child that can only see what is right in front of me - I can't see where He is leading me, and my past has taught me that God has a lot of faith in me that I don't have in myself. He knows exactly what I can handle and what way out He is going to provide. And me all I see is this overwhelming situation that I feel like I am drowning in.

2009-08-22T23:05:00.001-06:00

My past is haunting me tonight -what if this pain doesn't go away - what if I have to spend another year in pain and go farther into debt what then?

A Year in the Life....

2009-08-12T12:14:00.001-06:00

Well I have officially hit one year at my job!! WOO HOO Finally for the first time in CO. The hard part of that is every time we hit a milestone we tend to look back and see how far we've come. Well for me looking back -isn't a fun process. It truly hasn't really been a fun year. The weekend I got the job some good friends of mine got married! Very fun, a week latter another couple friends of mine got married - not so fun (great for them not for me) I felt like I would be offending them if I didn't go and really couldn't handle the thought of seeing all of the people that were going to show up! The answer!?! I got drunk!! very drunk and thankfully my very good friend J was there to keep me out of too MUCH trouble - like more than that of being drunk. I won't expand I am sure there is a blog somewhere on it!

Soon after that my grandfather passed away - and it was definitely hard. I flew home for the 2nd time in a month to be with my family during that time. then came fall

Fall was wonderful, I was really enjoying my new job had some friends there, and my 2 bible studies were going wonderful. I had, what I thought was, a good community going. Someone that I was confiding in, lots of stuff to do - it was good. It was also very brief! That person that I was confiding in ended up spreading rumors about me. And effectively ended a 2 year bible study! the other study ended under similar circumstances that I wasn't directly involved in. The holiday season was pretty horrible. With all of my family, and closest friends in Cali, and all of my "close" friends that I had here turning on me - I was pretty lost. Was no longer invited to the parties that I had planned on going to, and didn't have enough time to make new friends to find new parties to go to. So I immersed myself in homework, and books. For I have come to learn that time on my hands becomes emotionally hazardous to my health. I travelled a lot and set about moving on with my life. Unfortunately I moved on with very few friends. At the time I felt like it wasn't a big deal, and actually spent the second spring in a row with very few friends and a lot of heart ache. Spring is a big blur. I held up pretty well and threw myself in to business - it seems to cover over the loneliness; even if it doesn't heal it. I was slowly building friendships with a couple of really solid women - which was what I needed. i shied away from groups (probably not necessarily good) and DID a lot of stuff. I really thought I was "handling" life and doing good. I was proud that I could move on without my "friends" around. What I was actually doing was getting tired!!

I started talking to this boy!! And it was fun and we were having fun. But I know there have been enough posts about that. Essentially he took me down the road any non christian man would take me down - ie it is a VERY good thing he lives in FL. It allowed me to keep something precious to me. But oh the temptations he put in front of me. It is an awful twist of life to get the one thing I have always longed for in my life but to have to give up the only thing I hold dear to get it. It was the ultimate selfish decision, the one chance at marriage at giving up all that I held dear in Christ to get. And I was so close to the trade. It still scares me a bit

Needless to say that took up most of my summer and I still don't know if I am over it. But I have come to the end of my torturous year and I am out of hope and faith. In fact I am only still here because God is holding on to me when I don't have the strength to hold on to him.

I have spent the past few weeks trying to build those "healthy" friendships, and make steps toward a healthier lifestyle. I refuse to say better because I don't know that I will like this life better, but I know it is better for me so - healthier. I still don't know that I want the healthier lifestyle but I probably need it. And I know I go kicking and screaming back to it, because I am drawn to God not the "life" itself.

Old School - Old Posts

2009-08-07T16:56:00.003-06:00

Old posts off of my old Myspace - just for storage :) Giddy with Freedom 12/17/07 So you know how when God teaches you a lesson and then puts you in the same situation so that you have a chance to use what you learned? I hate when He does that, especially when it was one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn. I am now reading through "Waking the Dead" a book calling us to allow our hearts to live again, something I didn't really want to do! God placed the perfect person in my life for this purpose! Gentle, yet firm, willing to speak truth (kinda hard to find) and of course seeking God's heart as well, The Lord does know what He is doing even if it hurts along the way. The past few months I have been seeking my heart crying out for God to tell me why I was in this situation, I knew the outcome would not be one that I wished for but I hoped to be pleasing to God in the process.Well I am walking out of that process it has been HARD and I have had some hurt along the way but I am now FREE of some fears that I had and I am excited to see who I am to be after! I am not foolish enough to think this is it but another step out of the way and I will let you know in awhile if it was worth it!!! By Tom 12/27/07 By a good friend! I Believe Sometimes a hundred dollar glass of scotch is worth itA drive to nowhere gets you somewhereA man should believe in things worth believing inA woman's face changes after she bares childrenSometimes strength is measured in when you can stopSometimes you have to stay in order to let goTrue love existsYour first kiss aint as important as your last oneWork doesn't have to be workPride doesn't mean you have to fallPolitics only matter when you have a glass of wineYou cant feel grace until you've fallenGod knows what he's doingGirls can play sportsCrying doesn't always make you feel betterEveryone should burn a hundred dollar bill once in their lifetime2am is Ok to call for prayerJesus loves artDance is better than drugsLetting go isn't giving upYou're never too old to play duck duck gooseMagic exists at DisneylandSometimes to make a stand you have to stay seatedMusic can sooth the soulLiving simple is quite complexMartin Luther King is a sprit more than a man(and he's still alive)All dogs go to heavenGandhi may find himself there tooJustice sometimes peeksBut most of allI believe that it was all worth it. By: Tom Arbaugh enough? 12/30/07 Life is funny in a sick and twisted way. It will never be enough! Weather we suffer from depression or not life is never going to be enough we were created to walk and talk with God, and there is not one thing that will completely satisfy that. I know this isn't really new info for any of us (least of all me) but I like to remember that we were created for more and one day we will have more until then we seek God with all that we have and have Him fill us as we go! What an amazingly good God we serve and I am blessed through everything by Him!! Follow 1/6/08 So Christ calls us to follow Him........ it seems so simple. Seems being the word to look at here. I have been through a lot with the Lord and feel like I am continueally drawing to Him. Unfortunately that doesn't mean that I am doing life better. In fact I feel like I am messing up more now than in the past. When I worked at camp I felt like I was giving glory to God in all that I did. Now I feel like I am more focused on me than I have ever been. How do we fight for something so hard and end up with the opposite. Why do I feel like nothing I do now reflects Christ in my life and how do I change that? Any comments welcome!! From the Rooftops 1/11/08 Hey Guys! So as most of you know I have suffered from depression for my whole life. I was diagnosed in 1999, ever since then I have grown so close to the Lord. it has been such a hard raod but the Lord has been incredibly faithful through it all. through all of these years I have had so many people ask me if they could pray for healing for me. I have said yes so many times but in my heart I could hear the Lord softly whisper in my heart to be satisfied without healing. time and time again I knew I wouldn't be healed. I began to praise God for my depression - anytime I could. (when I wasn't depressed mostly). I have lived like this for years. This year, a week before Christmas I was talking with a friend of mine and at the time I was slightly depressed. He said he would pray for healing for me. I again said yes please do, but felt that whisper in my heart again. Because I had always heard that I would suffer still, I never hoped for healing. I would pray and tell God that I would love it if I could be healed but was satisfied if the answer was no. During the Christmas service the pastor told us that Jesus was asking what we want. hiden in my heart unknown to me was this desire. My heart cried out for healing and for the first time I heard God say YES. Thankfully I was there for all 6 services because I had to hear it more than once. I then believed that God was just telling me it was ok to pray for healing and I thought it would be sometime still before I was actually healed. As I continued christmas week and it was so hard I began to see that God had actually HEALED me. I have been healed from my depression! I can not explain to you the giddy joyful feeling I get talking of it even now! I have been nervous to tell people. I fear judgement more now than when I suffered from depression. It has been an interesting process realizing that I no longer am under the weight I was before. I am truely free! I know that each of you has played a part in my healing you are each very precious to me and I love your friendship. I would appreciate prayer as I go from this place and learn what it means to NOT have depression. It is definately a different life. I have already learned that from the short time I have not had it. I am excited to watch God work in my life this new year. YAY God!!!! please join me praising God for how awesome He is!!! The Truth Shall set you Free 2/19/08 So a few months ago I decided to say good bye to a friendship that wasn't helping me focus on truth. So in following truth I had to lose a friend and nothing has been the same since. In the process I learned a hard lesson -- free doesn't mean happy. It also doesn't mean easy. I have been stuggling ever since to figure out how to make friendships work. Like with the friends that don't want to be "close" how do you give less than yourself to balance that out? And when to still give all of yourself but expect nothing in return, and emotionally ok when you are given nothing back. And what do you do when you don't think anyone cares what is happening and then you find out they are mad at you cause you do nothing. I am empty and poor Lord and have nothing to give ..... help me to understand. The Giving Tree 4/7/08 So have you ever read the book the Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein? I did A LOT as a kid and you think I would have learned - maybe I just didn’t learn enough. or the right thing - or heck maybe it isn’t even true. but I feel like I have been giving SO much to the people in my life - foolishly thinking that they would then want to be involved in my life. I have lived in CO for a year now and feel like in many aspects I am starting over - square one at the begining. A year later and no farther along. I am still very much alone, and spend much of my time so. I have learned to fill the time with stuff but it is all done by myself! For an extrovert that is not fun or fulfilling. So "the Giving Tree" there is a little boy (isn’t that where all problems start!) and a tree - and the tree loves the boy VERY much (just go with it!!) well the little boy is very selfish and as he grows older he remains very selfish, everytime he comes to the tree (which is only when he needs something) the tree gives no thought to herself and gives everything to the boy. eventually you want to shout at the tree "He is using you!!!!" but the tree doesn’t care the tree LOVES you see. And I see because there are so many people here that I love.... and I keep giving. Going to their parties, hanging out with them when they are available, rearranging my schedule to make time for them. Giving up time with others to be with them. And in return ..... in the book ..... the boy leaves everytime and comes back less. See the book as a somewhat bitter sweet ending...... the boy has grown VERY old, and the tree just a stump now is still there. The boy comes back to spend his last days with the tree. Well I am not willing to wait for the last days I have decided to move on! That is my step forward i am giving up no more waiting for the boy (in this case not necessarily a boy). wish me luck :) "Never allow someone to be your PRIORITY while allowing yourself to be their OPTION"

The State of the Union

2009-07-14T16:01:00.017-06:00

So I was chatting with a friend the other day (Hi Ashley!!!) and telling her a couple of the things going on in my life - and she understood why I am feeling so overwhelmed in life. And it was a good reminder, I have good reason to BE overwhelmed. So I have come to share it with you - not for pity but prayer (and ideas of help if you have any). I have decided to start with my health, mainly because that is most prominent. I went to the Chiropractor on Mon and have been in pain since. Yes I know it is supposed to make you feel better - but sometimes the right thing isn't always the easy thing (or pain free thing). So anyway I am having a lot of neck/back pain, I also am having some issues with my knee cause I have decided to start walking. There are lots of other things physically wrong with me for a full description go HERE. I have dealt with a lot of pain at different points in life, and I have a pretty high tolerance for pain - but day after day gets really tiring. The biggest issue with pain is that it costs money to get rid of. Which is what got me so in debt in the first place. When I had my initial problems with my neck I ended up going 30K in (some of that is from before, moving, and my computer but a majority is from my neck!). The whole reason I decided to move to Colorado is that I was 5K in debt and wanted to get out. Unfortunately when I got to Colorado I had a really hard time finding a job; in the 2 (almost 3) years that I have lived in CO I have had 4 jobs. The first I quit because I went back to camp to do recruiting - the second I got fired, third laid off and still at the fourth! Talk about a blow to the ego!! Getting fired and laid off within the same year was horrible. Needless to say I couldn't make enough money to start paying off ANY of my debt!!!! In fact it is growing!!And I have been putting money towards it but not enough :( The main problem is that I can't get a hold of my debt and they are getting to the point where they are going to start taking me to court; and the debt that I am paying the payments don't even cover the interest it is gaining. So as I am throwing money at this debt I am still watching it grow. Also the two cards that I have settled have come back to try and collect a second time!! And one has summoned me to court - which I have gotten a lawyer and hopefully that will be taken care of. I am seriously considering bankruptcy and going to be checking to see if that is an option, this breaks my heart. I feel like I keep trying to get financially stable and all is stacked against me. Every time I have some extra money it seems to go into contacts, or my car, or this week it went to get my shower soap, contact solution etc. (Scary that I can only buy soap with my "extra" money). Now I do have to confess that a good portion of my budget is my entertainment money - This is mainly because I hate my living situation. Which is the next subject - my grandmother. She is a wonderful woman - in moderation. Now I have to say this has been my biggest blessing in moving to Colorado, and the biggest curse. I am blessed by the fact that even though I don't make enough money, I have a place to live. And if I get really desperate food to eat. I live with my grandmother. Now I never had a relationship with her - until I moved in with her. At the beginning it was HORRIBLE, she is the only person I have ever gotten into screaming matches with. I believe that her love language is Acts of Service - which is of course my WORST!!!! But she does my laundry, cleans my bathroom and cooks me dinner any chance she gets! I have no idea what to "do" for her and that drives me crazy. I try to spend time with her but it ends up being all talk about her life and crazy things she that she is freaking out over. But at least we have come to a point where we can be around each other - and the school part comes in handy. If I need to get away from her I can go to my room and do homework. But that is part of the problem is the only place I feel at "home" is in my bedroom and that isn't even very comfy. So I spend a lot of time out!!! With friends... And so we come to relationships. To say I haven't found community in Colorado is the understatement of the blog. We have covered the "relationship" with my grandmother. And as far as friends go - I am just now (2 1/2 years in) feeling like I am just now starting to build healthy relationships with girls. I have been involved in two bible study groups since I got to CO, both have ended in disaster!! The main one that I have been a part of almost since I moved here - broke my heart. Ended up with me as the escape goat (for the full story click here). Out of the original 20 I still hang out with 2 and every once in awhile with 2 others. There are rumors of them getting back together and they keep asking me if I want to (H*ll NO!!). The second ended poorly as well and a dear friend of mine ended up wrapped into the mess that ended that one. Needless to say I am a little gun shy around groups -which is bad because I also long for community. But I have this deep need to be in community and it is creating a tug-a-war in my heart. So I have a few female friend that I love being with, and I can keep busy with those. As for guy relationships - in CO (ZERO). In fact Florida seems to be my lucky state. I am talking with a guy in FL and this is one of the joys in my life. Not a good place to find joy however. But I enjoy my job! The highlight of my job is the phone. I have also learned that I am a horrible flirt!!(not horrible at flirting - actually quite good at it!) I just flirt a LOT over the phone. It is very fun to do. Being that my top love language seems to be Words of Affirmation at the moment this job is doing me good!! It seems to me to be a bit scary that my job is the best part of my life -- but it is what it is. And that is The State of THIS Union!!

Hope Finishes Last?

2009-07-01T11:49:00.004-06:00

When I read the post that my title is linked to I cried a little bit (at work even!!!) So if hope finishes last - what comes after? I feel like I have no hope. I don't quite know where to go from no hope. So if hope is last what happens after that - in other words - Where the HECK do I go from here. I am so tired of spending my life just barely holding on. I want to enjoy my life. Sure there are moments of joy, fun, fellowship; however they seem brief and drowned out but frustration, fear and loneliness. Add that with lots of pain (physical and emotional) and you will get an overall picture of my life. And this is years not just right now. I hear lots of people talk about how God's way is the best way, and I know in my heart and mind that this is true. But I don't want to obey anymore. I am so tired of the "best" way being full of loneliness and pain. I want to be happy - not joy but happiness. I want to get what I have always longed for, I want my dreams fulfilled. I am tired of putting aside what I want for what God wants. I know it is stupid and foolish but I am tired!! I am done. I seem to have lost hope that following God will ever bring anything close to what I long and hope for in my life :( I am lost and alone and need someone to keep going for me - I don't want to anymore.

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

2009-06-15T10:17:00.000-06:00

Stolen from a friend - I am a part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed." The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my guide reliable, my mission clear.I won't give up, back up, let up or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up and paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I must go until He returns, give until I drop, preach until all I know, and work until He comes.And when He come to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear. "For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ". Be part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed. It is the only way to live this life. Remember this: To be a missionary you don't have to cross the sea, you just have to see the cross.- Fellowship of the Unashamed (An African Martyr's Last Words)

A Man After God's Heart

2009-06-08T12:30:00.005-06:00

This is the description God used to describe David. A man who had the most amazing moments for God and also some of the biggest failings away from God. The most infamous being the adultery with Bathsheba. My musings tonight are did he go into it knowingly?? Like I have been, I guess the equivalent of dating, this guy for a few months [see Florida Boy Toy] And he is this great guy. Totally makes me laugh I can tell him anything, he doesn't judge me, he always gets my jokes, flatters me all the time; I have a great time talking to him. We basically flirt a lot - but he is also a really neat guy, loves to cook, smart business man, really laid back. Anyway we started down a road that we shouldn't have - or rather I shouldn't have. Apparently he started getting feelings for me, and I thought we were just goofing off - having fun. Well Memorial Day weekend he asked me to move to Fl to live with him. I was blown away!! I have no idea what was going through his head! Unfortunately I was tempted. And it got me thinking, how much thought went into David taking the plunge with Bathsheba?? How long did he struggle with it? [see 2 Sam 11 & 12] Because in my world, no matter how many times I told myself it was wrong, or knew that what I was thinking or feeling was bad it didn't matter. Here is where things got tricky. I knew my answer was going to be no, it had to be. For a full 2 weeks the only verse going through my head was a faint whisper of Rom 1:24 (ish). That God gave them over to their sin. And what I was thinking - I could get away with it! I was appalled at the same time - such the inner struggle. For the first time in my life (even from before I was a Christian) I was considering totally turning my back on God. But I knew God would pursue me to the ends of the earth and Florida would be no exception. I knew I wouldn't really be satisfied with the results that would come, but I couldn't fully convince myself to say no to Paul. Part of me didn't want to close off that option, part of me couldn't say no. I don't know what frustrated me more, that he asked me or that I couldn't say no. It took me a couple weeks to get there - the turning point was me realizing that this was my dream. I have always wanted a man like Paul, to be married and not alone. Even the phrasing he used was perfect - he said he wanted to take care of me forever - I have wanted nothing more for the past, ok my whole life. I am so tired of being the sould bread winner, the one that has to make all the big decisions. And I am lonely, more so than I have ever been. I have lived 2 years in Colorado and yet to find community, or accountability. I knew this was a man I could fall in love with and we could probably make it to forever. This was everything I had ever wanted minus God. Once I realized that this was everything I was asking God for I was able to realize that this was Satan trying to convince me that this was going to work. That truth with a little bit of lie - is still a lie. Seeing that gave me the strength to know I can now say no, with confidence that I don't want to live with him.

A Small glimpse of HOPE

2009-05-13T15:13:00.004-06:00

The new car - It is a 1994 Toyota Camry - sunroof, automatic (i would rather have a stick but not too picky at this point!) key fob with alarm haha basically the nicest car I have EVER owned (even though this is like my 10th car) But the best part about the whole thing is that it is FREE!!!! - well minus the small fee of driving it back to Co. It is from a fairly well off family that I new - haha back when they first got this car in fact I have probably seen if not ridden in this car :) A fabulous family that has been important to me for sometime - I even lived with them for awhile, when life at home was hmmmm -unbearable! But that is a different story. So basically total God thing - that came when i really needed it :) It came at a time when spiritually I was giving up. I never stopped believing in God, in fact didn't even stop believing that He is good. Just stopped wanting to follow Him, honestly the most I have ever WILLFULLY disobeyed Christ. I just got to the point where I was so frustrated with how my life was turning out I didn't want to go down that road again. I was flirting (quite literally) with disaster! So this car is WAY more then just a car or a gift - it is HOPE. It is amazing how much it has changed my heart in a good way. Funny how He does that. Basically answered a prayer request before it was actually a prayer request (but close to one!) Since I was given a car my parents suggested I give my car to my niece (a total blessing to them as a family - at least I hope!!) She turns 17 today! and totalled their 2nd car last year - and with 7 kids getting by with just one car has been difficult :) So Memorial Day weekend I am driving to Lake Tahoe - where my parent will drive my new car up - and then I will drive my new car home and they will hold onto my current car until my Brother can get it! So if you have any interest in a road trip, or seeing Lake Tahoe let me know LOL. I have done a lot of crazy road trips but I think this one is the craziest! It will be 16 hrs each way and we have a family party the day in between travel days - I am also hoping to hang out with my best friend and her husband!! I am blessed!

Journeys

2009-04-30T16:14:00.008-06:00

Warning - This is real and raw - a hard topic for me comment with care: So when I started this blog I had planned on it being this cool blog exploring what I was learning about Christ as I was searching to find community here. I have to say I have been very disappointed in the decisions I have been making in this process. :( Life has been so hard for me for SO many years .... it is as if Satan has been trying all these different ways to get at me - and he finally has found out how. I have never flirted so much with the desire to sin than I have the past couple of months. It breaks my heart - and I know that if it breaks my heart then God must be weeping in anguish. But I can't bring myself to acknowledge that. I have never toyed so with disobedience. And no matter what reason I give - that I am lonely, that I can't find a bible study, it comes down to this..... I no longer want to play on God's side. I want to give up and give in to the world. I want a little relief from this life that I hate. I am tired of working jobs that I only moderately enjoy to make not enough money to keep my sorry excuse for transportaion running. To come home to a lonely house with no one to love me. I am tired of seeing people living the life I want to be living and getting it from turning their backs on God and living selfishly. I have always in the past felt it was worth it to follow God; that one day I would look back and be satisfied. I no longer think that. I am tired of the fact that I am supposed to be OK with the fact that even though I hate everything about my life; because God created it, I am supposed to be OK with everything that happens and blindly follow into this pit. At camp I always felt that God had led me there. These days I start to question everything. Like if I haden't gone to camp would I be farther along in life - instead of living with my grandmother in a town that fights against everything that I am and want to be? I have started flirting with the other side - I guess trying to see how close I can get before I fall off the edge. And why not go over? It doesn't matter to anyone if I do - I am not fighting anymore to stay pure, I want to give in. It sneaks up so quietly, just little bits. And everyone is ok with the little bits. No one wants to tell you to get farther back from the edge - RUN in the opposite direction. And then there are those from far below calling to you - telling you it is fun, good and right to be there. What gives you the strength to step back and turn back to God? It is a scary though that you can be so close to go over, and no one would notice. I could get away with it. So you start making plans....so easy, Little things would come along to remind me that I was on a dangerous path, one that would plumet over the edge. But I didn't care anymore. I want to be in the valley - longed to get there. If I couldn't get what I wanted where I was I would start behaving in a way that would get those things. I would think of all my friends back camp that would have fought with me - but I couldn't tell them. I tried a couple of times to cry out for help and found no one near. It is scary how close you can get. But God resucued me and the journey back to His path is HARD but I have to believe it is worth it. My friend Nicole went to Afgahastian to visit a city you can read about it here http://nicoleslifeadventures.blogspot.com/2009/05/day-7-istalef.html this is what she wrote about one of the cities there and I feel like this is my heart but NOT because it is what I want but because God loves me. I understand that more fully now. "But Istalef is resilient. They are coming back, flowers are blooming and trees are growing. There is one tree on the road by the clinic that is the perfect picture of that. One half is the charred remains from when the Taliban left, but the other half is a fully thriving tree. The pain and destruction is only part of the story, but the growth, strength and beauty of surviving it all is the lasting legacy" God please keep after me!!!

You Can't Always Get What You Want!

2009-04-16T23:24:00.002-06:00

but if you try sometimes you just might find - you get what you need! Or so the song goes. But what if you don't get what you need? Is that possible? And what you need in relation to what?? House check; food check; transportation check (most of the time); is that all??? How picky do we get? we have a God that LOVES us beyond measure, do we have the right to complain that our lives suck? Do we just realize that nothing is going to make this world what we were created for? So do we just accept where we are? Where is the line between trying to improve your life and not trusting God? As you can see a lot of questions not a whole lot of answers - so what do I do? Breathe in Breathe out wake up in the morning and live. Not too many other options! Night Y'all

Florida Boy Toy!!

2009-04-02T22:43:00.004-06:00

Ok so I know it is probably totally demeaning to men to call them boy toy's but in this case I can't help it, even though as I found out today he is older than me!! SO the history: apparently I have a sexy voice on the phone (and yes I have been told I could make a lot of money with it - NOT going to happen); even when I worked at the Sprint call center I got hit on A LOT! Including an offer to be flown out to NC for a huge party. What makes this even funnier is as even I know when I talk to people I know only over the phone I tend to imagine a "face" to go with the voice. In the couple of instances where I have gotten to see the person either in person or pictures I have been way off. So I am sure that whatever this boy (ok man) thinks I look like is not me. As I am pretty sure the "face" that I am thinking of when I talk with him is no where near what he looks like! So anyway we started "flirting" almost instantly when we would talk for work. And being in the position he is in (a locator - NOT a driver) he calls almost everyday. So we got into a comfortable banter back and forth. Well for the past 4 months he has hinted that he wanted my number and a couple of times came right out and asked for it. After the continual pressure I finally gave it to him. I know probably really foolish but I really don't see too much harm that can come of it. I will never give out any financial info I promise (and as he makes in 3 months what I make in a year shouldn't have to!!) But so we text after hours. And I love it. NOT him mind you - I don't even know him. But I love talking with him. It is fun, light hearted and mostly not meaningful in any way shape or form!! But I love that he likes to talk with me, and I like that someone is waiting to hear from me. And I absolutely LOVE the fact that there is nothing serious and if I don't hear from him for days - I don't really care. I like this shallow friendship we have going LOL!! Basically I am having fun and I am trying to live in the now and enjoy his presence while I have it - because it will not be sustainable. And that is ok.

Interesting....

2009-03-18T23:24:00.003-06:00

So I was listening to Nichole Nordeman's song Sunrise - it asks if you had the chance to go back and do your life over - would you?? this is an interesting question for me at this time in my life. I have ALWAYS "felt" the answer no. I have been through a lot in my life, and forgotten even more. But I have consistently felt like God was taking me through all of that to bring me somewhere. And every step of the way I have been able to look at where I have been and where I am and seen God's Divine guiding and bringing me to that spot. I have come to a place where I can not see it. And it is frustrating. I guess we don't always need to understand why we are or how it all works together - but it has always given me comfort. But as I do work that I don't feel called to, struggle financially (while constantly trying to pay everything off), and flounder in friendships; it tugs at my heart. I hear the fear whisper in my ear that I am not where I belong. And yet I don't know where I would belong. I can't think of a way to change my life in such a way that I would have more purpose or direction. And so I trudge forward - not sure where to turn or how to step. And so I daily walk - trying to put God first and follow His unknown will and direction. I feel in a fog! And so I come back to the question - if I had the chance to do my life over would I? No matter how many times I try to tell myself that I am the sum of what has happened before I can not convince myself that where I have been has lead to where I am. It is a different world and I feel as if all that I have learned before does not help me here. So I begin to say yes I would do it different, even as I know I should be saying no.

Happy Hour Happiness!!

2009-03-12T21:59:00.003-06:00

So TGI Fridays (affectionaly known simply as Friday's) has I think the best Happy Hour!! Especially if the bartender is really nice and makes your drinks kinda strong :D - So why Friday's on a Thursday?? you might ask. Well today was a rough day; and as a rule I don't use alchol as a solution to problems (minus the night of Robb and Heather's wedding) I really was longing for a drink! And to be fair I did have two - but I stopped there!! To list off my day: -Took a shower the night before so I could wake extra early to go to the doctor. - The exam started with the female type of annual physical (if you don't know don't ask!!) which really wasn't too horrible, but I did blood work as well and the nurse couldn't get a good spot and had to dig around - I have a nice bruise now! -I actually made good time to work and only showed up 10 mins late - which was nice however this is where the day takes a down turn (Boooooo) -Normally the girl who fills in on the 16 line phone system I enjoy a lot - however today she had something (I would have to say rather large size) stuck up her BUTT!!! and barely said hello to be but grunted as I took my own beloved position at my desk. -My dinner plans with one of my few [true] friends in Colorado got cancelled - which is mostly sad because her calander has a two month reservation list! -Tellitubby Bob was in true annoying form today - he yells at me any time I can't guess his every whim. How was I supposed to know he was going to lunch half an hour early when he still had his phone headset on and was sitting at his desk? - No one felt like answering the many phone calls that came in (I don't have that option) and I had to repeatedly call out line after line! I don't make the phone calls happen people I just answer them. (and NO Bob I am not your personal secretary - I have five other calls coming in can you please tell the driver yourself that he is not supposed to be calling in this early!!! Grrrr) So as my head started pounding, neck started hurting and I had the strong desire to rip someones hair out (preferably not mine) I decided evasive action was needed!! So I slunk lower in my chair (and behind my monitor), plugged in my ear budd, cued up a sermon (thanks Andy!!), and avoided all eye contact! I nobly skipped my break, (as I had come in late) so these few actions had to get me to lunch! And they did!! Where I was able to escape into Narnia for about 20 mins and came back refreshed!! The day went much better after that (the whole 3hrs left). So I probably didn't need the HH by then but my heart was set on it! So after a not so great adjustment at the Chiropractor (he thinks it might have something to do with the stress at work - at work? nah), I made it to Friday's hmmmmm!!! So to completely slaughter the diet I have been thinking of starting (best to kill them before they get started!!) I had 2 half appetizers and 2 long islands - happy comfort food! And a lot of mediocre conversation with a wonderful woman who doesn't know how to share conversation. However, since it got me out of hearing the same 5 stories from my grandmother that I have heard for the past week, it was worth it. And now my wonderful heated bed is calling my name so I can drift off to the dreamless night and repeat the necessary steps tomorrow!

2009-03-05T22:40:00.002-07:00

"I needed that pain - to make me who I am today" - John on LOST